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kukla_tkoStar Wars.
I'm cutting this, although anyone who is afraid of spoilers at THIS point should be flogged. Psst! Anakin Skywalker becomes Darth Vader after Obi-Wan Kenobi kicks his ass. It's this big total surprise!!!
So, rather than mock the whole of the thing, I will simply give you a taste of a few scenes...
Edit: I have tweaked this a bit. Heh heh heh.
SHIPS FLYING THROUGH SPACE
Obi-Wan: Ugh. Flying is for droids.
Anakin: Nah, this is where the fun starts. I *love* this ship! It handles so well, and one doesn't even NEED a droid to help pilot it!
Obi-Wan: Eek! I've got Crab-droids! They've eaten my astrodroid!
Anakin: See, you don't need a droid to help you pilot this thing! Now, if it only had a black and silver paint-job...
Anakin: I'm the hero, but I gotta be modest since I killed the evil count.
Padme: Come to me, my dark handsome lover!
Anakin: What'd you do to your HAIR? That looks ridiculous!
Padme: Don't squabble with me in public, people will know we're secretly MARRIED!
Anakin: So what. I'm proud to be tappin' that ass...
Padme: Speaking of which, I'm pregnant.
Anakin: Who knew joy could be so suffocatingly, chest-crushingly painful? Yay! A Baby!
Anakin: You're so beautiful.
Padme: No, I'm all fat and crazy with hormones. And I've switched to the Crisco line of cosmetics. And I'm brushing my perfect spiral curls with...er... my hand mirror...
Anakin: But I'm so in love with you...
Padme: Are you agreeing that I'm FAT?!?
Anakin: *has nightmares*
Padme: Whassa matter?
Anakin: *Expression 1* Nothing, everything's groovy.
Padme: Which is why you got up in the middle of the night and are pacing and brooding.
Anakin: Yep. Business as usual.
Padme: What's going on?
Anakin: *Expression 2* I had a nightmare, you know, like the one that predicted my mother's death. After which she DIED and stuff. And it had YOU in it.
Padme: I'm not going to die...
Anakin: OF course not. I'm going to save you.
Padme: ...
Yoda: So, you're having prophetic dreams about death.
Anakin: And it is torturing me.
Yoda: Death is natural. It's part of life. By the time I reach 900, I will die. You will die, everyone eventually dies. Get over it.
Anakin: But this person is important to me.
Yoda: Dude. This is why Jedi aren't supposed to form attachments. Whoever this friend is... scrape them off. You have work to do.
Anakin: that doesn't actually help me, you know.
Yoda: Look, you're not a little boy anymore. You're a grown man. Quit whining and buck up.
Emperor Palpatine: Look you, I'm not the Emperor YET.
Audience: Yeah, you are. You totally are.
Emperor: Shh. Don't tell the Jedi. I've spent years clouding the Force so that the next few days will take them by complete surprise. And I've been sending Anakin nightmares and stuff.
Anakin: What was that?
Emperor: Nothing. Have some candy, little boy. (Hands him Dark Chocolate "Darkside" M&Ms)
Anakin: Yay! Candy!
Emperor: Now for a story.
Anakin: Yay! A Story!
Emperor: Once upon a time there was a good and wise *Sith lord.*
Anakin: (Munches candy) OOoh. Was he really good and wise?
Emperor: Yes, he was SO good and SO wise that he could control the plot points that control our lives.
Anakin: What was his name?
Emperor: Darth Lucas. Anyway, he was so powerful that he could cheat death. And do things with dialogue that some consider... unnatural.
Anakin: I wanna do it! I wanna learn how to do that!
Emperor: You won't learn it from a Jedi. Or from Darth Lucas, either. His apprentice killed him in his sleep. It's the great Sith way...
Anakin: If I were a sith, I wouldn't kill my master in his sleep. 'Cause that would be mean.
Emperor: Goooood.
Jedi Council: OMG stuff is getting weird!
Anakin: I get to be on the council. The Nice Old Man who runs the Senate said I could.
Mace Windu: Oh, no he di-int!
Anakin: SO there.
MW: Ok, fine. The old man appointed you to a position which has been a democratic decision for generations. But you don't get to be a Master.
Anakin: *sulk.*
Obi-Wan: It's ok, son. You'll get to be a master eventually. In the mean time, go spy on that old man for us.
Anakin: You want me to WHAT? I would never do anything to hurt that nice old man! He gives me candy and stories!
Emperor: They told you to spy on me, didn't they?
Anakin: Dude. You totally read my mind!
Emperor: The Jedi are all mean and they hate me.
Anakin: You're right, they totally are and they totally do.
Emperor: Aw. Were they mean to you, too?
Anakin: I don't get to be a master.
Emperor: Well, we'll see about that. In just seven days, and seven nights... I can make you a SITH LORD!
Anakin: Wait, aren't sith lords evil?
Emperor: No, they're good and wise like Darth Lucas.
Anakin: ...
Emperor: Evil is the new GOOD!
Anakin: I am so telling on you!
Anakin: Master Windu! The nice old man is the sith lord!
Mace Windu: What the... Oh. Yeah, that makes sense.
Anakin: Can I help you kick his ass?
Mace Windu: Uhh, no. You're very conflicted and I'd hate to get you killed.
Anakin: Dude, you're totally reading my MIND!
Mace Windu: Not really. You're a little transparent, you know, what with two expressions.
Anakin: I have more than two expressions!
Mace Windu: Stay here and I'll be your best friend.
Anakin: OK.
Anakin: Doo do de dooo..
Voices in Anakin's head: Save the old man, so you can save Padme...
Anakin: Huh?
Voices in Anakin's Head: Mace Windu is going to kill him, and then you'll never be able to save her.
Anakin: OMG, you're RIGHT!
POST-FIGHT
Anakin: Holy Crap, I killed Master Windu!
Emperor: Actually, you just maimed him. I killed him. Wanna be my apprentice?
Anakin: What? Oh, ok.
Emperor: On your KNEES, little boy!
Anakin: AAAh! I pledge my life to your service, provided that you help me save my wife.
Emperor: Yeah. Wife. Whatever.
Anakin: Ok, so show me the secret.
Emperor: In order to save your wife you have to... Kill off the Jedi. All of them.
Anakin: Be right back...
Padme: Holy crap! The Temple is on FIRE!
Anakin: It's ok, I'm safe.
Padme: What the HELL happened!
Anakin: The Jedi are evil.
Padme: ...
Anakin: *Expression 3* I have to go do a diplomatic mission to destroy, er, wage peace! On the Lava Planet.
Padme: Ok, that's a new expression. What the hell is going on?!
Anakin: Nothing. Be back soon.
Obi-Wan: Padme, I have to find Anakin. Like NOW.
Padme: I don't know where he went. He never tells me anything...
Obi-Wan: Padme, I'm not as dumb as the average Jedi. You're pregnant.
Padme: Nuh-uh!
Obi-Wan: And Anakin's the father.
Padme: (Sigh.) Yeah.
Obi-Wan: I'm so sorry.
Padme: What happened at the temple?
Obi-Wan: Anakin has killed off the Jedi. Or rather, he let the clones kill the Jedi, while he went around killing Younglings.
Padme: What the hell is a youngling?
Obi-Wan: Darth Lucas didn't want us to say, "Killing Children."
Padme: Ohhh. Got it.
MEANWHILE ON THE LAVA PLANET
Anakin: I am so full of sith power that nothing can stop me! Hey, is that my WIFE?
Padme: Anni! Holy Crap! What are you DOING?
Anakin: Check it out! I saved the universe, and my power is growing so much that I will be able to save you from death in childbirth!
Padme: I could totally do that with an abortion, but I don't belive in KILLING CHILDREN!
Anakin: Hey. Those Younglings were asking for it.
Padme: OMG CHILDKILLER! UR TEH EVIL!
Anakin: No! Evil is the new GOOD! Check it out, now we can rule the galaxy together!
Padme: Do you have ANY idea how much work that is?
Obi-Wan: Did I miss my Cue?
Padme: No, you're early.
Anakin: You're in league with HIM?
Padme: What? No! He snuck a ride. I didn't know he was there...
Anakin: SHUT UP BITCH *forcechoke*
Obi-Wan: Put her down, and take your medicine
Anakin: Don't Wanna.
Obi-Wan: Put her down.
Anakin: Oh, right. So I can FIGHT YOU AND KEEEL YOU!
Obi-Wan: Actually, I KEEEL you!
(Fight ensues. Obi-wan leaves Anakin wallowing limbless in the ash like the Black Knight from Monty Python.)
Emperor: Holy crap! He's still alive? He's a crispy torso of EVIL! Sweet!
Anakin: Rawr!
Emperor: Dude, get a stretcher. Like now! Let's put him back together. We can rebuild him, we have the technology. Don't waste any time on anesthesia, just jab some new limbs on him.
Anakin: But you said that Sith Power could cheat death? Can't you grow my arms and legs back?
Emperor: Look, buddy, it doesn't work that way. You're going to become a scary robot.
Anakin: Do I get to have glowing eyes?
Emperor: No.
Anakin: Do I get to have a sexy deep voice?
Emperor: Hey, yeah! You're whining will sound menacing if we can make you sound like James Earl Jones!
Meanwhile, back at the other hospital:
Padme: Ooohh.
Droid: She's carrying twins, is going to deliver prematurely, and is dying of a broken heart, or more likely, an aneurysm from the massive force-choke.
Jedi: What the hell?
Obi-Wan: Here's your son.
Padme: Luke. Call him LUKE.
Droid: Boo-Bah... Boo-Bah.
Padme: I don't believe that you're making me give birth with the help of a creepy PBS show character.
Padme: Call the girl Leia. *dies*
DROIDS BUILD BODY
Emperor: Darth Vader, can you hear me? Can you hear me NOW?
James Earl Jones: Yes, master.
Emperor: Good.
James Earl Jones: Where's my wife. I want to check out what my new attachments can do...
Emperor: Sorry about that, old chap. You killed her. Mwa ha ha!
James Earl Jones: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Audience: NOOOOOOOOOO
Darth Vader: Rawr! *Rips free of the frankenstien table*
Emperor: It's ALIVE!
Audience: We miss David Prowse SO VERY MUCH!
David Prowse: That actor makes a mockery of everything I have done in that suit! And that little bitch only had to wear it for TWO SCENES! Grrr.
I'm cutting this, although anyone who is afraid of spoilers at THIS point should be flogged. Psst! Anakin Skywalker becomes Darth Vader after Obi-Wan Kenobi kicks his ass. It's this big total surprise!!!
So, rather than mock the whole of the thing, I will simply give you a taste of a few scenes...
Edit: I have tweaked this a bit. Heh heh heh.
SHIPS FLYING THROUGH SPACE
Obi-Wan: Ugh. Flying is for droids.
Anakin: Nah, this is where the fun starts. I *love* this ship! It handles so well, and one doesn't even NEED a droid to help pilot it!
Obi-Wan: Eek! I've got Crab-droids! They've eaten my astrodroid!
Anakin: See, you don't need a droid to help you pilot this thing! Now, if it only had a black and silver paint-job...
Anakin: I'm the hero, but I gotta be modest since I killed the evil count.
Padme: Come to me, my dark handsome lover!
Anakin: What'd you do to your HAIR? That looks ridiculous!
Padme: Don't squabble with me in public, people will know we're secretly MARRIED!
Anakin: So what. I'm proud to be tappin' that ass...
Padme: Speaking of which, I'm pregnant.
Anakin: Who knew joy could be so suffocatingly, chest-crushingly painful? Yay! A Baby!
Anakin: You're so beautiful.
Padme: No, I'm all fat and crazy with hormones. And I've switched to the Crisco line of cosmetics. And I'm brushing my perfect spiral curls with...er... my hand mirror...
Anakin: But I'm so in love with you...
Padme: Are you agreeing that I'm FAT?!?
Anakin: *has nightmares*
Padme: Whassa matter?
Anakin: *Expression 1* Nothing, everything's groovy.
Padme: Which is why you got up in the middle of the night and are pacing and brooding.
Anakin: Yep. Business as usual.
Padme: What's going on?
Anakin: *Expression 2* I had a nightmare, you know, like the one that predicted my mother's death. After which she DIED and stuff. And it had YOU in it.
Padme: I'm not going to die...
Anakin: OF course not. I'm going to save you.
Padme: ...
Yoda: So, you're having prophetic dreams about death.
Anakin: And it is torturing me.
Yoda: Death is natural. It's part of life. By the time I reach 900, I will die. You will die, everyone eventually dies. Get over it.
Anakin: But this person is important to me.
Yoda: Dude. This is why Jedi aren't supposed to form attachments. Whoever this friend is... scrape them off. You have work to do.
Anakin: that doesn't actually help me, you know.
Yoda: Look, you're not a little boy anymore. You're a grown man. Quit whining and buck up.
Emperor Palpatine: Look you, I'm not the Emperor YET.
Audience: Yeah, you are. You totally are.
Emperor: Shh. Don't tell the Jedi. I've spent years clouding the Force so that the next few days will take them by complete surprise. And I've been sending Anakin nightmares and stuff.
Anakin: What was that?
Emperor: Nothing. Have some candy, little boy. (Hands him Dark Chocolate "Darkside" M&Ms)
Anakin: Yay! Candy!
Emperor: Now for a story.
Anakin: Yay! A Story!
Emperor: Once upon a time there was a good and wise *Sith lord.*
Anakin: (Munches candy) OOoh. Was he really good and wise?
Emperor: Yes, he was SO good and SO wise that he could control the plot points that control our lives.
Anakin: What was his name?
Emperor: Darth Lucas. Anyway, he was so powerful that he could cheat death. And do things with dialogue that some consider... unnatural.
Anakin: I wanna do it! I wanna learn how to do that!
Emperor: You won't learn it from a Jedi. Or from Darth Lucas, either. His apprentice killed him in his sleep. It's the great Sith way...
Anakin: If I were a sith, I wouldn't kill my master in his sleep. 'Cause that would be mean.
Emperor: Goooood.
Jedi Council: OMG stuff is getting weird!
Anakin: I get to be on the council. The Nice Old Man who runs the Senate said I could.
Mace Windu: Oh, no he di-int!
Anakin: SO there.
MW: Ok, fine. The old man appointed you to a position which has been a democratic decision for generations. But you don't get to be a Master.
Anakin: *sulk.*
Obi-Wan: It's ok, son. You'll get to be a master eventually. In the mean time, go spy on that old man for us.
Anakin: You want me to WHAT? I would never do anything to hurt that nice old man! He gives me candy and stories!
Emperor: They told you to spy on me, didn't they?
Anakin: Dude. You totally read my mind!
Emperor: The Jedi are all mean and they hate me.
Anakin: You're right, they totally are and they totally do.
Emperor: Aw. Were they mean to you, too?
Anakin: I don't get to be a master.
Emperor: Well, we'll see about that. In just seven days, and seven nights... I can make you a SITH LORD!
Anakin: Wait, aren't sith lords evil?
Emperor: No, they're good and wise like Darth Lucas.
Anakin: ...
Emperor: Evil is the new GOOD!
Anakin: I am so telling on you!
Anakin: Master Windu! The nice old man is the sith lord!
Mace Windu: What the... Oh. Yeah, that makes sense.
Anakin: Can I help you kick his ass?
Mace Windu: Uhh, no. You're very conflicted and I'd hate to get you killed.
Anakin: Dude, you're totally reading my MIND!
Mace Windu: Not really. You're a little transparent, you know, what with two expressions.
Anakin: I have more than two expressions!
Mace Windu: Stay here and I'll be your best friend.
Anakin: OK.
Anakin: Doo do de dooo..
Voices in Anakin's head: Save the old man, so you can save Padme...
Anakin: Huh?
Voices in Anakin's Head: Mace Windu is going to kill him, and then you'll never be able to save her.
Anakin: OMG, you're RIGHT!
POST-FIGHT
Anakin: Holy Crap, I killed Master Windu!
Emperor: Actually, you just maimed him. I killed him. Wanna be my apprentice?
Anakin: What? Oh, ok.
Emperor: On your KNEES, little boy!
Anakin: AAAh! I pledge my life to your service, provided that you help me save my wife.
Emperor: Yeah. Wife. Whatever.
Anakin: Ok, so show me the secret.
Emperor: In order to save your wife you have to... Kill off the Jedi. All of them.
Anakin: Be right back...
Padme: Holy crap! The Temple is on FIRE!
Anakin: It's ok, I'm safe.
Padme: What the HELL happened!
Anakin: The Jedi are evil.
Padme: ...
Anakin: *Expression 3* I have to go do a diplomatic mission to destroy, er, wage peace! On the Lava Planet.
Padme: Ok, that's a new expression. What the hell is going on?!
Anakin: Nothing. Be back soon.
Obi-Wan: Padme, I have to find Anakin. Like NOW.
Padme: I don't know where he went. He never tells me anything...
Obi-Wan: Padme, I'm not as dumb as the average Jedi. You're pregnant.
Padme: Nuh-uh!
Obi-Wan: And Anakin's the father.
Padme: (Sigh.) Yeah.
Obi-Wan: I'm so sorry.
Padme: What happened at the temple?
Obi-Wan: Anakin has killed off the Jedi. Or rather, he let the clones kill the Jedi, while he went around killing Younglings.
Padme: What the hell is a youngling?
Obi-Wan: Darth Lucas didn't want us to say, "Killing Children."
Padme: Ohhh. Got it.
MEANWHILE ON THE LAVA PLANET
Anakin: I am so full of sith power that nothing can stop me! Hey, is that my WIFE?
Padme: Anni! Holy Crap! What are you DOING?
Anakin: Check it out! I saved the universe, and my power is growing so much that I will be able to save you from death in childbirth!
Padme: I could totally do that with an abortion, but I don't belive in KILLING CHILDREN!
Anakin: Hey. Those Younglings were asking for it.
Padme: OMG CHILDKILLER! UR TEH EVIL!
Anakin: No! Evil is the new GOOD! Check it out, now we can rule the galaxy together!
Padme: Do you have ANY idea how much work that is?
Obi-Wan: Did I miss my Cue?
Padme: No, you're early.
Anakin: You're in league with HIM?
Padme: What? No! He snuck a ride. I didn't know he was there...
Anakin: SHUT UP BITCH *forcechoke*
Obi-Wan: Put her down, and take your medicine
Anakin: Don't Wanna.
Obi-Wan: Put her down.
Anakin: Oh, right. So I can FIGHT YOU AND KEEEL YOU!
Obi-Wan: Actually, I KEEEL you!
(Fight ensues. Obi-wan leaves Anakin wallowing limbless in the ash like the Black Knight from Monty Python.)
Emperor: Holy crap! He's still alive? He's a crispy torso of EVIL! Sweet!
Anakin: Rawr!
Emperor: Dude, get a stretcher. Like now! Let's put him back together. We can rebuild him, we have the technology. Don't waste any time on anesthesia, just jab some new limbs on him.
Anakin: But you said that Sith Power could cheat death? Can't you grow my arms and legs back?
Emperor: Look, buddy, it doesn't work that way. You're going to become a scary robot.
Anakin: Do I get to have glowing eyes?
Emperor: No.
Anakin: Do I get to have a sexy deep voice?
Emperor: Hey, yeah! You're whining will sound menacing if we can make you sound like James Earl Jones!
Meanwhile, back at the other hospital:
Padme: Ooohh.
Droid: She's carrying twins, is going to deliver prematurely, and is dying of a broken heart, or more likely, an aneurysm from the massive force-choke.
Jedi: What the hell?
Obi-Wan: Here's your son.
Padme: Luke. Call him LUKE.
Droid: Boo-Bah... Boo-Bah.
Padme: I don't believe that you're making me give birth with the help of a creepy PBS show character.
Padme: Call the girl Leia. *dies*
DROIDS BUILD BODY
Emperor: Darth Vader, can you hear me? Can you hear me NOW?
James Earl Jones: Yes, master.
Emperor: Good.
James Earl Jones: Where's my wife. I want to check out what my new attachments can do...
Emperor: Sorry about that, old chap. You killed her. Mwa ha ha!
James Earl Jones: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Audience: NOOOOOOOOOO
Darth Vader: Rawr! *Rips free of the frankenstien table*
Emperor: It's ALIVE!
Audience: We miss David Prowse SO VERY MUCH!
David Prowse: That actor makes a mockery of everything I have done in that suit! And that little bitch only had to wear it for TWO SCENES! Grrr.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
Actually...
Date: 2005-05-24 10:02 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-06-06 09:59 pm (UTC)*dies laughing* That's just awesome. Excellent work :)
Epiphany!
Date: 2005-06-07 08:19 pm (UTC)Re: Epiphany!
Date: 2005-06-08 04:00 am (UTC)Hmmm. Who's the Master Jedi who always kicks ass and takes names?
MACE!
Daaaaamn right.
That Mace is a bad mother-
(Shut yo mouth!)
I'm just talkin' 'bout MACE!
no subject
Date: 2005-06-09 04:33 am (UTC)