kukla_tko: (Default)
[personal profile] kukla_tko
Star Wars.

I'm cutting this, although anyone who is afraid of spoilers at THIS point should be flogged. Psst! Anakin Skywalker becomes Darth Vader after Obi-Wan Kenobi kicks his ass. It's this big total surprise!!!

So, rather than mock the whole of the thing, I will simply give you a taste of a few scenes...
Edit: I have tweaked this a bit. Heh heh heh.

SHIPS FLYING THROUGH SPACE
Obi-Wan: Ugh. Flying is for droids.
Anakin: Nah, this is where the fun starts. I *love* this ship! It handles so well, and one doesn't even NEED a droid to help pilot it!
Obi-Wan: Eek! I've got Crab-droids! They've eaten my astrodroid!
Anakin: See, you don't need a droid to help you pilot this thing! Now, if it only had a black and silver paint-job...

Anakin: I'm the hero, but I gotta be modest since I killed the evil count.
Padme: Come to me, my dark handsome lover!
Anakin: What'd you do to your HAIR? That looks ridiculous!
Padme: Don't squabble with me in public, people will know we're secretly MARRIED!
Anakin: So what. I'm proud to be tappin' that ass...
Padme: Speaking of which, I'm pregnant.
Anakin: Who knew joy could be so suffocatingly, chest-crushingly painful? Yay! A Baby!

Anakin: You're so beautiful.
Padme: No, I'm all fat and crazy with hormones. And I've switched to the Crisco line of cosmetics. And I'm brushing my perfect spiral curls with...er... my hand mirror...
Anakin: But I'm so in love with you...
Padme: Are you agreeing that I'm FAT?!?

Anakin: *has nightmares*
Padme: Whassa matter?
Anakin: *Expression 1* Nothing, everything's groovy.
Padme: Which is why you got up in the middle of the night and are pacing and brooding.
Anakin: Yep. Business as usual.
Padme: What's going on?
Anakin: *Expression 2* I had a nightmare, you know, like the one that predicted my mother's death. After which she DIED and stuff. And it had YOU in it.
Padme: I'm not going to die...
Anakin: OF course not. I'm going to save you.
Padme: ...

Yoda: So, you're having prophetic dreams about death.
Anakin: And it is torturing me.
Yoda: Death is natural. It's part of life. By the time I reach 900, I will die. You will die, everyone eventually dies. Get over it.
Anakin: But this person is important to me.
Yoda: Dude. This is why Jedi aren't supposed to form attachments. Whoever this friend is... scrape them off. You have work to do.
Anakin: that doesn't actually help me, you know.
Yoda: Look, you're not a little boy anymore. You're a grown man. Quit whining and buck up.

Emperor Palpatine: Look you, I'm not the Emperor YET.
Audience: Yeah, you are. You totally are.
Emperor: Shh. Don't tell the Jedi. I've spent years clouding the Force so that the next few days will take them by complete surprise. And I've been sending Anakin nightmares and stuff.
Anakin: What was that?
Emperor: Nothing. Have some candy, little boy. (Hands him Dark Chocolate "Darkside" M&Ms)
Anakin: Yay! Candy!
Emperor: Now for a story.
Anakin: Yay! A Story!
Emperor: Once upon a time there was a good and wise *Sith lord.*
Anakin: (Munches candy) OOoh. Was he really good and wise?
Emperor: Yes, he was SO good and SO wise that he could control the plot points that control our lives.
Anakin: What was his name?
Emperor: Darth Lucas. Anyway, he was so powerful that he could cheat death. And do things with dialogue that some consider... unnatural.
Anakin: I wanna do it! I wanna learn how to do that!
Emperor: You won't learn it from a Jedi. Or from Darth Lucas, either. His apprentice killed him in his sleep. It's the great Sith way...
Anakin: If I were a sith, I wouldn't kill my master in his sleep. 'Cause that would be mean.
Emperor: Goooood.

Jedi Council: OMG stuff is getting weird!
Anakin: I get to be on the council. The Nice Old Man who runs the Senate said I could.
Mace Windu: Oh, no he di-int!
Anakin: SO there.
MW: Ok, fine. The old man appointed you to a position which has been a democratic decision for generations. But you don't get to be a Master.
Anakin: *sulk.*
Obi-Wan: It's ok, son. You'll get to be a master eventually. In the mean time, go spy on that old man for us.
Anakin: You want me to WHAT? I would never do anything to hurt that nice old man! He gives me candy and stories!

Emperor: They told you to spy on me, didn't they?
Anakin: Dude. You totally read my mind!
Emperor: The Jedi are all mean and they hate me.
Anakin: You're right, they totally are and they totally do.
Emperor: Aw. Were they mean to you, too?
Anakin: I don't get to be a master.
Emperor: Well, we'll see about that. In just seven days, and seven nights... I can make you a SITH LORD!
Anakin: Wait, aren't sith lords evil?
Emperor: No, they're good and wise like Darth Lucas.
Anakin: ...
Emperor: Evil is the new GOOD!
Anakin: I am so telling on you!

Anakin: Master Windu! The nice old man is the sith lord!
Mace Windu: What the... Oh. Yeah, that makes sense.
Anakin: Can I help you kick his ass?
Mace Windu: Uhh, no. You're very conflicted and I'd hate to get you killed.
Anakin: Dude, you're totally reading my MIND!
Mace Windu: Not really. You're a little transparent, you know, what with two expressions.
Anakin: I have more than two expressions!
Mace Windu: Stay here and I'll be your best friend.
Anakin: OK.

Anakin: Doo do de dooo..
Voices in Anakin's head: Save the old man, so you can save Padme...
Anakin: Huh?
Voices in Anakin's Head: Mace Windu is going to kill him, and then you'll never be able to save her.
Anakin: OMG, you're RIGHT!

POST-FIGHT
Anakin: Holy Crap, I killed Master Windu!
Emperor: Actually, you just maimed him. I killed him. Wanna be my apprentice?
Anakin: What? Oh, ok.
Emperor: On your KNEES, little boy!
Anakin: AAAh! I pledge my life to your service, provided that you help me save my wife.
Emperor: Yeah. Wife. Whatever.
Anakin: Ok, so show me the secret.
Emperor: In order to save your wife you have to... Kill off the Jedi. All of them.
Anakin: Be right back...

Padme: Holy crap! The Temple is on FIRE!
Anakin: It's ok, I'm safe.
Padme: What the HELL happened!
Anakin: The Jedi are evil.
Padme: ...
Anakin: *Expression 3* I have to go do a diplomatic mission to destroy, er, wage peace! On the Lava Planet.
Padme: Ok, that's a new expression. What the hell is going on?!
Anakin: Nothing. Be back soon.

Obi-Wan: Padme, I have to find Anakin. Like NOW.
Padme: I don't know where he went. He never tells me anything...
Obi-Wan: Padme, I'm not as dumb as the average Jedi. You're pregnant.
Padme: Nuh-uh!
Obi-Wan: And Anakin's the father.
Padme: (Sigh.) Yeah.
Obi-Wan: I'm so sorry.
Padme: What happened at the temple?
Obi-Wan: Anakin has killed off the Jedi. Or rather, he let the clones kill the Jedi, while he went around killing Younglings.
Padme: What the hell is a youngling?
Obi-Wan: Darth Lucas didn't want us to say, "Killing Children."
Padme: Ohhh. Got it.

MEANWHILE ON THE LAVA PLANET
Anakin: I am so full of sith power that nothing can stop me! Hey, is that my WIFE?
Padme: Anni! Holy Crap! What are you DOING?
Anakin: Check it out! I saved the universe, and my power is growing so much that I will be able to save you from death in childbirth!
Padme: I could totally do that with an abortion, but I don't belive in KILLING CHILDREN!
Anakin: Hey. Those Younglings were asking for it.
Padme: OMG CHILDKILLER! UR TEH EVIL!
Anakin: No! Evil is the new GOOD! Check it out, now we can rule the galaxy together!
Padme: Do you have ANY idea how much work that is?
Obi-Wan: Did I miss my Cue?
Padme: No, you're early.
Anakin: You're in league with HIM?
Padme: What? No! He snuck a ride. I didn't know he was there...
Anakin: SHUT UP BITCH *forcechoke*
Obi-Wan: Put her down, and take your medicine
Anakin: Don't Wanna.
Obi-Wan: Put her down.
Anakin: Oh, right. So I can FIGHT YOU AND KEEEL YOU!
Obi-Wan: Actually, I KEEEL you!

(Fight ensues. Obi-wan leaves Anakin wallowing limbless in the ash like the Black Knight from Monty Python.)

Emperor: Holy crap! He's still alive? He's a crispy torso of EVIL! Sweet!
Anakin: Rawr!
Emperor: Dude, get a stretcher. Like now! Let's put him back together. We can rebuild him, we have the technology. Don't waste any time on anesthesia, just jab some new limbs on him.
Anakin: But you said that Sith Power could cheat death? Can't you grow my arms and legs back?
Emperor: Look, buddy, it doesn't work that way. You're going to become a scary robot.
Anakin: Do I get to have glowing eyes?
Emperor: No.
Anakin: Do I get to have a sexy deep voice?
Emperor: Hey, yeah! You're whining will sound menacing if we can make you sound like James Earl Jones!

Meanwhile, back at the other hospital:
Padme: Ooohh.
Droid: She's carrying twins, is going to deliver prematurely, and is dying of a broken heart, or more likely, an aneurysm from the massive force-choke.
Jedi: What the hell?
Obi-Wan: Here's your son.
Padme: Luke. Call him LUKE.
Droid: Boo-Bah... Boo-Bah.
Padme: I don't believe that you're making me give birth with the help of a creepy PBS show character.
Padme: Call the girl Leia. *dies*

DROIDS BUILD BODY

Emperor: Darth Vader, can you hear me? Can you hear me NOW?
James Earl Jones: Yes, master.
Emperor: Good.
James Earl Jones: Where's my wife. I want to check out what my new attachments can do...
Emperor: Sorry about that, old chap. You killed her. Mwa ha ha!
James Earl Jones: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Audience: NOOOOOOOOOO
Darth Vader: Rawr! *Rips free of the frankenstien table*
Emperor: It's ALIVE!
Audience: We miss David Prowse SO VERY MUCH!

David Prowse: That actor makes a mockery of everything I have done in that suit! And that little bitch only had to wear it for TWO SCENES! Grrr.

Actually...

Date: 2005-05-24 10:02 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] phierma.livejournal.com
> Psst! Anakin Skywalker becomes Darth Vader after Obi-Wan Kenobi kicks his ass. > It's this big total surprise!!! Actually, Anakin becomes Darth Vader, THEN Obi-Wan Kenobi kicks his ass, THEN he gets this bitchin' makeover...

Date: 2005-06-06 09:59 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] umrguy42.livejournal.com
He's a crispy torso of EVIL! Sweet!

*dies laughing* That's just awesome. Excellent work :)

Epiphany!

Date: 2005-06-07 08:19 pm (UTC)
professor_mirror: (Default)
From: [personal profile] professor_mirror
Kukla, I know you were totally going to cast Not The Cat as Mace Windu, but I think Chris the Gothy Dancing Queen would rock the hizouse in that part as well. Just something to consider.

Re: Epiphany!

Date: 2005-06-08 04:00 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kukla-tko42.livejournal.com
Yeah, since Not The Cat will want to do the fight scenes if we do it. I don't want to include the fight scenes...

Hmmm. Who's the Master Jedi who always kicks ass and takes names?

MACE!

Daaaaamn right.

That Mace is a bad mother-

(Shut yo mouth!)

I'm just talkin' 'bout MACE!

Date: 2005-06-09 04:33 am (UTC)
professor_mirror: (Default)
From: [personal profile] professor_mirror
Rocky and I just read through the whole thing while at Rivalz. It was hilarious.

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