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kukla_tkoIt starts with this somewhat lengthy article. This writer has put the problem into eloquent words. However, she doesn't see part of the answer, I think, because it doesn't occur to her (or anyone else) what the answer is.
I could be just blowing smoke, here. I am not a parent. I never gave birth to anyone.
My SO is a part-time parent, he has two children who come to stay with us every other weekend. So that makes me a sort of a part time parent, too.
But my friends are having kids. I see them dissolving into the life of their kids. I see some of them making mistakes and some of them doing a wonderful job. I see them struggling with the division of labor.
Some time ago,![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
bradhicks made some commentary about sexism in ancient Greece. (In particular, he argued that it wasn't sexist because the strict gender roles didn't oppress women.) He got slammed very hard for this, and rightly so. At one point he also argued that we are three generations into "Women's Lib" and the American Family is falling apart. He pointed out that women today work all day and then do ALL of the house work and childrearing anyway, and that the problem is getting worse instead of better. "When is it going to change?" he whined. (Admit it, it was pretty whiny.)
Why do they do this? Is it because women are genetically predisposed to running a household, while men are genetically predisposed to go out and sacrifice themselves in the workplace?
I think not.
The problem is that we changed the format without adjusting the rules and regulations. My generation was raised by the "women's libbers", the ones who wanted equal rights for women in the workplace. They worked hard to get us the right to choose our path.
But they DIDN'T teach us how to DO that. They didn't know HOW to do that. There wasn't any precedent for it. No one taught us by example or by any other method how we were supposed to divide the household chores. No one taught us how to share child rearing with our spouses. No one taught us how to work 40 hours a week and still have time to spend with our kids.
There wasn't any example to follow... unless you count the sitcoms on TV, which did nothing more than reflect the way that Americans were living. No help there... Roseanne reigned supreme in her household, working part- or full-time and managing the household, all the while screaming at her husband about how useless he was around the house.
Who taught the boys how to grow up to be men who could balance child rearing with work? Who taught the boys how to plan meals, read to their kids, change diapers, deal with schedules, work with the schools, and enrich their children's lives? Their fathers? No. Their mothers? It probably didn't occur to them. *bing* Sexism works both ways, apparently.
Heck, mine was a semi-liberated household, but somehow my mother and I were the only ones who did laundry, or cooking. Sure, my brothers took a turn on dish duty, and had spaces they were required to clean. However, they had figured out that if they consistently did a job poorly... my mother would become frustrated with them and...
Take a deep breath...
DO IT HERSELF!
See, that's how our mothers taught us. Teach your men how to work on the house, but if they do it wrong... just do it yourself.
This is a specific pattern. It's a see-saw of overfunctioning and underfunctioning. The mom does it all, so the dad doesn't have anything for which he can be responsible. Even if he takes a stronger role in the household, the see-saw will swing the other way soon enough.
Our mothers taught us that we could do it all, which is hardly fair to us, and hardly fair to our male partners. We need to rethink the things we take for granted. We need to understand the patterns our parents showed us, and figure out which rules apply to us, and which rules MUST be changed by an equal-opportunity household.
Because if we don't do this, we doom the next generation to walk in our footsteps and make our mistakes. We don't need government programs and subsidized child care (Ok, that would help, to be sure) we need to learn new lessons and take a second look at the roles we are (by our very lives) redefining.
A Woman's Place is in the Home can be changed to "A Parent's Place Is In The Home." We can redivide the household and give our partners a chance to shine.
A mom doesn't have to lose her mind trying to raise her children.
I could be just blowing smoke, here. I am not a parent. I never gave birth to anyone.
My SO is a part-time parent, he has two children who come to stay with us every other weekend. So that makes me a sort of a part time parent, too.
But my friends are having kids. I see them dissolving into the life of their kids. I see some of them making mistakes and some of them doing a wonderful job. I see them struggling with the division of labor.
Some time ago,
bradhicks made some commentary about sexism in ancient Greece. (In particular, he argued that it wasn't sexist because the strict gender roles didn't oppress women.) He got slammed very hard for this, and rightly so. At one point he also argued that we are three generations into "Women's Lib" and the American Family is falling apart. He pointed out that women today work all day and then do ALL of the house work and childrearing anyway, and that the problem is getting worse instead of better. "When is it going to change?" he whined. (Admit it, it was pretty whiny.)Why do they do this? Is it because women are genetically predisposed to running a household, while men are genetically predisposed to go out and sacrifice themselves in the workplace?
I think not.
The problem is that we changed the format without adjusting the rules and regulations. My generation was raised by the "women's libbers", the ones who wanted equal rights for women in the workplace. They worked hard to get us the right to choose our path.
But they DIDN'T teach us how to DO that. They didn't know HOW to do that. There wasn't any precedent for it. No one taught us by example or by any other method how we were supposed to divide the household chores. No one taught us how to share child rearing with our spouses. No one taught us how to work 40 hours a week and still have time to spend with our kids.
There wasn't any example to follow... unless you count the sitcoms on TV, which did nothing more than reflect the way that Americans were living. No help there... Roseanne reigned supreme in her household, working part- or full-time and managing the household, all the while screaming at her husband about how useless he was around the house.
Who taught the boys how to grow up to be men who could balance child rearing with work? Who taught the boys how to plan meals, read to their kids, change diapers, deal with schedules, work with the schools, and enrich their children's lives? Their fathers? No. Their mothers? It probably didn't occur to them. *bing* Sexism works both ways, apparently.
Heck, mine was a semi-liberated household, but somehow my mother and I were the only ones who did laundry, or cooking. Sure, my brothers took a turn on dish duty, and had spaces they were required to clean. However, they had figured out that if they consistently did a job poorly... my mother would become frustrated with them and...
Take a deep breath...
DO IT HERSELF!
See, that's how our mothers taught us. Teach your men how to work on the house, but if they do it wrong... just do it yourself.
This is a specific pattern. It's a see-saw of overfunctioning and underfunctioning. The mom does it all, so the dad doesn't have anything for which he can be responsible. Even if he takes a stronger role in the household, the see-saw will swing the other way soon enough.
Our mothers taught us that we could do it all, which is hardly fair to us, and hardly fair to our male partners. We need to rethink the things we take for granted. We need to understand the patterns our parents showed us, and figure out which rules apply to us, and which rules MUST be changed by an equal-opportunity household.
Because if we don't do this, we doom the next generation to walk in our footsteps and make our mistakes. We don't need government programs and subsidized child care (Ok, that would help, to be sure) we need to learn new lessons and take a second look at the roles we are (by our very lives) redefining.
A Woman's Place is in the Home can be changed to "A Parent's Place Is In The Home." We can redivide the household and give our partners a chance to shine.
A mom doesn't have to lose her mind trying to raise her children.
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no subject
Date: 2005-02-17 04:44 am (UTC)Making a statement
Date: 2005-02-17 05:21 am (UTC)And it is FAR more easily said than done, because we're fighting against our faulty programming.
And the whole under-over functioning pendulum is precisely what we need to avoid. Because that leads to BLAME and assigning FAULT, which never work to solve anything. Ever. Fault and blame are only the tools of vengeance and punishment. Who the hell wants to live like that?
See, the real trick for women is to allow their male partners to take care of things around the house, and with the kids. No, not tolerate it. Not scream about it until it gets done. And not look over their shoulders criticizing the ways they choose to do things. Let it go, for crissakes. Let them do it, and praise them for it even when they screw it up. Just because he doesn't do it your way doesn't mean his way is bad.
The real trick for men is to wade in there and just plain DO it. Make mistakes, learn from them. Ask for advice and help when they need it. When he gets home from work tired and fagged out from a long day, remember that SHE'S just as tired and fagged out. Look at what has to be done that night and divide it up.
Of course, these suggestions only really work if both partners agree on the household priorities.
NEVER NEVER ASSUME THAT THEY ARE THE SAME. NOT EVER.
Families have to DISCUSS such things. No, really. Discuss them and come to an agreement. (For example, one family might decide that the dishes and the countertops are more important than the floors and the bathrooms. Dishes and counters daily, floors and bathrooms weekly. And everyone does at least one load of laundry EVERY DAY.)
Chore lists are a godsend. That way, there's no arguing over whose turn it is to do what.
Do I have a strategy? Naturally. 'Cause I don't have kids.
:)
Its easy to do this from over HERE.
How does it apply in my own house? Well, the house isn't kept very pretty, but when it gets problematic, someone speaks their mind about it, and we divide and conquer.