Don't Whiz On The Electric Fence

[kukla_tko]

The other day Brad and I were talking about having a permanent "Kick Me" sign on one's back. You know, a bully magnet?

For example, Allura seems to attract these kinds of people like flypaper: Bullies, aggressive men, stalkers, etc. Why does she come across as an "easy mark?" Why do people invade her personal space, take liberties with her, assume that they can knock her down if they want to? In the same situation, I don't have to deal with these kinds of things. We were at a party which had some relaxed rules about the dress code, and the host at one point reached over and lifted her shirt to see her breasts. I was pretty shocked at his behavior (Allura had NOT invited him to do so) but since she didn't raise a verbal or obvious body-language objection, I didn't intervene.
He had the good sense to ask, then, if he was allowed to touch them (specifically to lick them) and she gave him an outraged, "NO!"

Is it because she was too "polite" to smack him on the nose? I thought that she had made it clear that she wasn't going to disrobe by the fact that she changed into a bathing suit to get in the hot tub, and then changed back into casual clothes afterwards... all behind a closed and locked door.

Brad seems to think he's a bully target, too. Even now.

I wonder if it is related to the inverse proportion of a person's self esteem and their ego? For example, if you have a large, obvious ego, does this attract negative attention... and if you don't have the self-esteem to back up that massive ego... then is that what makes you an easy mark?

Are you a person that the bullies immediately gravitate toward?

I used to be, but I am not that kind of person any more. I wondered to myself why this was... and came up with a metaphor that seemed pretty accurate.

You see, I installed an Electric Fence. I am not entirely certain what the Fence is or how it works, only that it is there and it DOES work.

I appear to have installed it to keep the fanboys at bay, or possibly as part of my All-Purpose, Impregnable, Fortress-like Security System I put together during Middle School.

For whatever reason, there's an invisible line that people don't usually cross around me. Bullies don't screw with me usually, aggressive males don't push my boundaries, and most people don't invade my personal space without invitation.

Now, it could be that the Electric Fence is the kind of thing that gives a mild warning, but is not a proper barrier. A determined person can walk right past it... but if you are not welcome here, I will meet you at the front steps with a shotgun in my hands. It could be that I offer a gentle warning about four feet away, and if you choose to ignore it, and whiz on the electric fence anyway...

ZZZOTT!

I am assuming that the Electric Fence also has a Large Area Effect Weapon function, all I have to do is push it out, and I can clear a room.


Here's my question to all of you:
Is the Electric Fence fueled by my sense of self-worth and esteem? Is that why I get away with having such a big ego?

This isn't very well written, but I am organizing my thoughts. I would welcome some discussion on this point, particularly if you think I am full of shit.

(Um, lowering the Electric Fence now...)

Comments

[yume-no-tenshi.livejournal.com]

I am a person that people tend to both walk all over, and bully. I have a very low self-esteem, but more than that, I just don't want to come across as a bitch to people so if people mistreat me I rarely say anything.

It seems when I do grow a backbone and stand up for myself I just become the object of more teasing, bullying and being taken advantage of. Sometimes it works and people stop fucking with me, but then they generally just talk and giggle about me behind my back. And yes, this still happens even though I am 25.

[nichan.livejournal.com]

Sadly, kiddo, age has nothing to do with it.

Not self-esteem, not self-worth, but . . .

[felax.livejournal.com]

Confidence. Even though I have rarely had good self-esteem or a feeling of self-worth, I've always had this undercurrent of confidence. Everything you do, Kukla, also has the overpowering confidence. From what I've seen, Allura does not, and actually, Brad still does not, either. I don't know how people pick up on it, but it may be in the stance or body language.

[mari-who.livejournal.com]

I don't know what it comes from but it's definitely a good thing to have.

I don't think I have an electric fence. I don't know what the heck I have. :) All I know is that, somewhere in my sophomore year of high school (this is about 12 years ago - ouch) I remember thinking about 'acting confidently', giving myself little instructions - don't shuffle, don't stare at the floor when you walk, meet people's eyes briefly, be constantly smiling just a little and moving your eyes around to look at different things, nod politely to people who meet your gaze, etc - being confidently polite was a big part of it - and I honestly, honestly don't recall being teased about my weight/appearance/etc. after that. Ever. Obviously I don't know what people say behind my back, but I have not been insulted to my face, by anyone, in over ten years. I faked it until I felt comfortable faking it and then I wasn't faking it anymore.

I have my weak sister moments from time to time, but I do my best to have them in private and nobody else has to know. :)

It's a different approach, I guess, but it works for me.

Holy crap... I didn't know there was a word limit....

[codeb6.livejournal.com]

Heh.

Honestly... When you asked what it was about Allura that attracts these sort of people, the first thought that popped into my head was, "Her eye makeup".

Clearly there's more to it than that though.

Confidence was mentioned, and that's probably a huge factor all around. I observed a long time ago, in myself and others, what a difference it makes when you're confidant in something. I think the first vivid example of this I had as a child was when some other kids were throwing rocks at me. I had an epiphany while I was trying to dodge out of the way. "What's the difference between that rock and the baseballs I've caught in the park with my father?" The answer I came up with was that the baseball weighed more. I caught the next rock. And it was impressive because they hadn't thought about it. It didn't stop them from picking on me, but they quit throwing rocks.

...

You also mentioned ego. I can't speak for anybody else here, but I can tell you how it works for me.

If I have to deal with a person who has an inflated ego well out of proportion to their actual worth, it's just asking for trouble. It's like taking me to a room filled wall to wall with big red balloons, handing me a straight pin, then telling me to behave myself. It's only a matter of time before I can't help myself.

Now you give yourself as an example of somebody with a large ego, but I've never had that impulse around you. Maybe it's because there's some other component that I haven't put my finger on yet. Like they have to have a big ego, AND be a jerk... Or something like that. Maybe it's just a matter of your actual value as a person being high enough to justify your big head. I really don't know. But while scenarios like I described make a person a target for me, I don't think it's really the kind of thing that would attract a bully.

The best case study I can think of as far as how and why people get picked on has to be stl_kitten. She takes fire from friend and foe alike. The spirit behind it is very different depending on which side of that equation any given abuser falls into, but I think it's important to look at both.

Among friends, I learned some time ago, what draws fire the fastest is being a good sport. Especially if you're a good sport and funny. It draws a lot of fire, but usually meant in good fun. Light teasing, constant jibes at your minimal expense. She occasionally has troubles where she'll take a particular slight to heart and not tell anyone they actually drew blood. I think she's working on that though. (I sure hope so anyway.)

(To be continued...)

Re: Holy crap... I didn't know there was a word limit....

[codeb6.livejournal.com]

(Continued!)

The best example I have of the other side of the coin for her is her experiences at the salt mines. Anyone in the know will recall her many run-ins with abusive coworkers. Destruction of her personal property, feeding her food from the garbage, etc... Completely unacceptable behavior directed toward her on many occasions. Things people wouldn't have even CONSIDERED doing to others. If pressed, people would offer weak justifications for their behavior based on things she'd done in the past. Nothing that holds up to scrutiny though. The part that really illustrates a dynamic for me in all of this though, is WHO did the picking. Early in her employment there, I counseled her several times (sadly, to no effect) on how to deal with a particular manager who'd been treating her unfairly. This person was the laughing-stock of the department. They had no understanding of the job, no people skills, no managerial skills... They eventually got demoted, but for some time that group just ran wild. Nobody took the manager seriously, or listened to any instruction given. (What few there were.) We're talking real omega personality type here. (To this day I do not understand why this person was made a manager in our department.) Only ONE person in the group was afraid of this person, and that was stl_kitten. She was the ONLY person that manager could say no to. The only person they would order about. She was regularly denied permissions that the others took for granted. When I was asked by Kitten why this person treated her that way, my response was simple. "Because they know they can. Because they know they can, and can get away with it." That manager was being bullied by the rest of the department, and had leapt at the chance to keep someone a step lower.

Compared to that, I have several experiences throughout school that I won't bore you with right now. Bottom line I think it's a combination of two things that get a person picked on a lot, or cause liberties to be taken.

Social order is one. Who's alpha, who's not. What makes you not is largely a matter of preference. I've never been an alpha type myself. I don't WANT it. That puts me in a spot when an alpha type decides to assert themselves, because I also have little tolerance for most varieties of BS. I still haven't found a peaceful middle-ground on that one.

The second factor I think is just predatory behavior. Among people there are both sheep and wolves. Lots of other things, too. You don't need me to tell you that you come off as kinda feline. Allura, on the other hand, strikes me as more of a bunny. I'm sure that's got something to do with it. Brad, at times, (especially whenever life starts getting the better of him) comes across as kinda turtleish. Not the most vulnerable critter in the animal kingdom, but as Didactylos would have it, "There's good eatin' on one of those things".

Both types of behavior rely on a sense that they can get away with what they're attempting. And with the exception of specific types of predatory behavior, there tends to be a group dynamic. More abuse occurs when there are people there to witness or encourage it. Or at least, that's the way I see it.

Re: Holy crap... I didn't know there was a word limit....

[kukla-tko42.livejournal.com]

Yeah, one of my longer comments in YOUR journal got hit with the "too many words" thing. It's one of the reasons why I STARTED my journal.

Hee hee.

You've made some good points. One of the ways to prevent bullying is basically not to fall over. If you show strength, or whatever... there's no reward for picking on you.

I have more to say, but no time in which to say it right now. Look for a response later.

Re: Holy crap... I didn't know there was a word limit....

[codeb6.livejournal.com]

Heh! It was news to me. I'd never had that happen to me before.

Occasionally being a harder target just means you draw bigger bullies. I haven't really explored the mechanics of that. But appearing to be more trouble than you're worth to pick on does help quite a bit.

My freshman year in highschool I was 5'2" tall. I didn't get my growth spurt till the summer after my junior year. My first 3 years I got picked on. When I walked through the door my senior year, I was 6'2. Strangely, nobody picked on me that year. It wasn't my attitude that changed, but it had a very notable effect on who was willing to tangle with me.

Can't wait to hear what else you've got to say about this. (:

Re: Holy crap... I didn't know there was a word limit....

[codeb6.livejournal.com]

Nobody sees Brad as vulnerable except for the people he's actually vulnerable to. That's the biggest problem with bullies. They're niche hunters, and they're good at finding their particular prey.

That said, I don't disagree with you. (Maybe a little, in a couple places, but it's all nuance. I mostly agree.) In a room full of "normal" people Brad is going to stand out.

...

Okay, Brad's going to stand out regardless, but you know what I meant.

He does not hold the same values. And that's one of the worst sins a person can commit. People who view something as important get really bent out of shape in a hurry when other people dismiss it. And it's invariably things of this nature that defy sensible explanation that's going to cause problems for Brad. Or, to be honest, myself.

Don't get me started on spirit sticks. Just don't.

[lefthand.livejournal.com]

Its actually a process that takes place. A portion of it is based on body language. Someone who does give off assertive body language (strong eye contact, direct facing of the chest, closer proximity, strong vocal interaction and an absence of defensive gestures) is much less likely to be the target of aggression. If you watch people for awhile, you begin to see these signals clearly. An experience mugger can generally pick out the person who will not put up a fight just by watching them walk by.

The second consideration is how the intended victim responds to the initial interactions. If there is no discernible response, the attack will likely stop at a very low level. If, however, there is a strong emotional or behavioral response, this is generally regarded as a sign of weakness and more aggressive interactions follow. If a person can force you to respond, you have establish some sort of control over their behavior. It elevates the person to the level of your equal or better. You have granted them the right to question you rather than ignoring them.

Finally, the people who attempt to gain status via aggression generally isn't high status to begin with. Someone of greater status or ability is free to ignore them with no social consequence. It is only in directly engaging them that status becomes an issue. If you want to think of it as a pecking order, low status individuals must earn the right to challenge someone of greater rank. A grunt mouthing off to a captain isn't taken seriously and the only way they might gain some status is if the captain throws away his/her composure and violently reacts to the grunt. The stronger party is the one who choose to legitimize the confrontation by fighting back. The dominant member is the one who doesn't feel threatened by the aggression and thus don't respond violently.

In short, the reason you feel that it doesn't happen to you is
1. You don't look like a likely target because of body language
2. You don't react to the attacks in amusing fashions. Generally, you either ignore them or laugh them off.
3. You don't view the person who might attempt such behavior as a legitimate challenge and thus no contest is allowed.