Read this!
Aug. 4th, 2011 11:54 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kukla_tkoMost of you are at least vaguely aware that I adore Sarah Rees Brennan, right?
She had something important to say today.
Go read it, then read this.
I realize now why some of my coworkers dislike me.
And it's a shame, but I'm not going to change a damn thing.
Once upon a time, I was the outcast. I'm not talking about minor bullying (which never feels minor to the poor kid dealing with it) or the usual "We all felt like we were on the outside looking in".
No, I was the omega dog. I was mercilessly bullied by nearly every other kid I encountered. Kids in other grades got wind of the fact that I was the kid that could be counted upon to cry. I was the kid who was bullied by my *teachers*. And when I changed schools, it was a year too late to take advantage of the merging of two schools, so I got to be the brand spanking new girl, who had absolutely no clue how to dress fashionably; I'd gone to Catholic school and wore a uniform up until then.
I also went through five years of counseling to help me with my childhood anxiety disorder and the bullying problem. This helped immensely.
So I went from the girl everyone said was weird, stupid, fat, lazy, weird, wrong, ugly, unpopular, and weird... to the girl who genuinely didn't CARE if anyone called her any of those things. I became someone who didn't freak out if someone said I didn't measure up. I blew those kids off and did my own thing, because I knew I was awesome and felt sorry for them for not figuring this out.
As a result, I have never in my life been the girl who says, "I'm nothing special."
Heck, I occasionally snarked at my friends for pulling that line, accusing them of fishing for compliments. "I'm so fat." "I wish I was pretty, like (Famous Actress)." "I can't believe I'm so dumb!"
Someone can say something like this around me and it's likely to provoke a strong emotional reaction.
But I never learned the trick of this carefully nuanced female interaction. I occasionally blundered into it, but never on purpose. All of my coworkers are at least a single generation ahead of me. All of them do some variation of this dance. One coworker in particular looks with suspicion on anyone who doesn't pepper her language in self-depreciating statements. She told me that one of the people at the other store rubs her the wrong way. I was flabbergasted; this person is someone I've always gotten along with. When I pressed my coworker for details she said, "Well, she always seemed like she was looking down on everyone else. I mean, I get along with her and all, but she always seemed kind of... I donno. Snooty. Like she was better than the rest of us."
I gotta tell you; that other person has worked there as long as I have. She's now the manager at the other store, and is a strong, intelligent woman who knows her stuff. She is also an excellent instructor, and every time I've been for training with her in the room, she's avidly asking questions and soaking up knowledge. I've never heard her ever put anyone down, or make snarky commentary toward anyone. Frankly, she's a nice person. Friendly, kind, and brilliant.
But. I've also never once heard her utter a single gratuitous self-depreciating remark. Not once.
And does this sound like anyone you know?
That coworker, the one who felt threatened by another woman, was suddenly friendly to me once. Laughed at my jokes, talked to me socially at work, smiled at me and was really nice to me. I tracked it back to a remark that I made while moving the rather large cart full of machines through the department. Several workers were standing in my way, so I announced, "Wide load, coming through..." then wiggled my butt and said, "And the cart's big, too..."
You guys know that I am proud as punch to have this magnificent butt. I don't despair and pine for a flat butt. I like having a big backyard on this property.
But I made that remark, and suddenly I was treated like a human being.
Keep in mind that part of my proof is that the coworker in question also has been known to snap "Kukla knows EVERYTHING. Ask HER."
Sigh.
And what's hilarious is that it took me this long to figure it out. I walk around realizing my own awesome quotient, and also telling other people how awesome they are. Insults and back-biting slide right off of me and I live my life with zeal and confidence.
Gosh. No wonder so many women don't like me. Oh well.
:D
Back to being awesome, then...
She had something important to say today.
Go read it, then read this.
I realize now why some of my coworkers dislike me.
And it's a shame, but I'm not going to change a damn thing.
Once upon a time, I was the outcast. I'm not talking about minor bullying (which never feels minor to the poor kid dealing with it) or the usual "We all felt like we were on the outside looking in".
No, I was the omega dog. I was mercilessly bullied by nearly every other kid I encountered. Kids in other grades got wind of the fact that I was the kid that could be counted upon to cry. I was the kid who was bullied by my *teachers*. And when I changed schools, it was a year too late to take advantage of the merging of two schools, so I got to be the brand spanking new girl, who had absolutely no clue how to dress fashionably; I'd gone to Catholic school and wore a uniform up until then.
I also went through five years of counseling to help me with my childhood anxiety disorder and the bullying problem. This helped immensely.
So I went from the girl everyone said was weird, stupid, fat, lazy, weird, wrong, ugly, unpopular, and weird... to the girl who genuinely didn't CARE if anyone called her any of those things. I became someone who didn't freak out if someone said I didn't measure up. I blew those kids off and did my own thing, because I knew I was awesome and felt sorry for them for not figuring this out.
As a result, I have never in my life been the girl who says, "I'm nothing special."
Heck, I occasionally snarked at my friends for pulling that line, accusing them of fishing for compliments. "I'm so fat." "I wish I was pretty, like (Famous Actress)." "I can't believe I'm so dumb!"
Someone can say something like this around me and it's likely to provoke a strong emotional reaction.
But I never learned the trick of this carefully nuanced female interaction. I occasionally blundered into it, but never on purpose. All of my coworkers are at least a single generation ahead of me. All of them do some variation of this dance. One coworker in particular looks with suspicion on anyone who doesn't pepper her language in self-depreciating statements. She told me that one of the people at the other store rubs her the wrong way. I was flabbergasted; this person is someone I've always gotten along with. When I pressed my coworker for details she said, "Well, she always seemed like she was looking down on everyone else. I mean, I get along with her and all, but she always seemed kind of... I donno. Snooty. Like she was better than the rest of us."
I gotta tell you; that other person has worked there as long as I have. She's now the manager at the other store, and is a strong, intelligent woman who knows her stuff. She is also an excellent instructor, and every time I've been for training with her in the room, she's avidly asking questions and soaking up knowledge. I've never heard her ever put anyone down, or make snarky commentary toward anyone. Frankly, she's a nice person. Friendly, kind, and brilliant.
But. I've also never once heard her utter a single gratuitous self-depreciating remark. Not once.
And does this sound like anyone you know?
That coworker, the one who felt threatened by another woman, was suddenly friendly to me once. Laughed at my jokes, talked to me socially at work, smiled at me and was really nice to me. I tracked it back to a remark that I made while moving the rather large cart full of machines through the department. Several workers were standing in my way, so I announced, "Wide load, coming through..." then wiggled my butt and said, "And the cart's big, too..."
You guys know that I am proud as punch to have this magnificent butt. I don't despair and pine for a flat butt. I like having a big backyard on this property.
But I made that remark, and suddenly I was treated like a human being.
Keep in mind that part of my proof is that the coworker in question also has been known to snap "Kukla knows EVERYTHING. Ask HER."
Sigh.
And what's hilarious is that it took me this long to figure it out. I walk around realizing my own awesome quotient, and also telling other people how awesome they are. Insults and back-biting slide right off of me and I live my life with zeal and confidence.
Gosh. No wonder so many women don't like me. Oh well.
:D
Back to being awesome, then...
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no subject
Date: 2011-08-05 05:34 am (UTC)T worked with Jo a long time ago at a photo lab. T came in a couple of years after Jo did and was only about 18. As she was settling in to her job, she kept getting warnings about Jo. Repeatedly, from different people. Not to get in her way, not to interact with her, how pushy she was. But T is special (like many people I know), and rather than just listening to those around her, she watched Jo. And what she realized was that Jo wasn't pushy or bitchy... she was working. Really hard. Doing all the weird odd jobs no one else wanted to do. She'd work, eat lunch, work, go home. She didn't stop to gossip, didn't smoke, didn't chat much. T really admired what she saw, so T stared talking to Jo. And Jo was actually pretty friendly. They got to be really close friends.
I heard this story when I was about 17, after my mom had been working there for 10+ years. And that's where I come from, from the no-bullshit-work-hard-don't-worry-about-what-people-think-about-you-because-that's-not-part-of-the-job.
It wasn't that easy in school, of course, but I waded through that by being "the nice one." I didn't react to bullies so they left me alone, and I was nice to everyone so it gave them less of a reason to try (I also cheated and had an "in" when I switched schools in junior high because my stepbrother was in my grade level and had gone to that school when he was little). But on the same token I was pretty shy, so I also wasn't a threat either.
Although the weird thing is, I never really had any sense of needing self esteem. It never occurred to me until they taught the concept in the DARE program. And it still doesn't make much sense to me. I am who I am. I neither adore nor hate myself. It's not so much I know where I belong or who I am, so much as it seems silly to me. My having fat where I don't want it doesn't mean I dislike myself, it means I occasionally dislike how clothes fit on me, just as much as I'm happy with it when I find something flattering. I have a fear of abandonment and people hating me, so I assure they don't as much as I can, but if they do because of something out of my control, there's nothing I can do about that.
Anyway, enough tl;dr
no subject
Date: 2011-08-05 06:47 am (UTC)I was bullied. Home and school. Not by the teachers but you know. I was a mess. Boys were no better and the other relationships I had were all wrong. If you see yourself as worthless you put yourself in relationships that are no good for you. Even if the person might have been great for you if you liked yourself.
I bounced around in my adult life looking for the alternate lifestyle that made me feal safe. And I couldnt because I depended on the group to make me like me. Then there was this opportunity to act...never got to act much in the 5yrs I did theater before. Oh and it was a sittuation that not only were the people made of awesome and knew it but saw me as awesome... WOW I am AWESOME... and now I have problems with people who are not.
Lucky for me all the people in my life are awesome. Except coworkers but I am even learning to see and point out how they are not unawesome which makes them shine a little more.
no subject
Date: 2011-08-05 06:54 am (UTC)Perception is an interesting phenomenon.