Laaaaazy, happy, and pissy.

[kukla_tko]

Well, I am supposed to be furiously sewing the last of the La Mancha costumes.

Sigh.

I don't wanna.

I am tired of that project, and of course the last few things are the things I didn't really want to do, anyway.

LeSigh.

Well, that isn't true. Some of these things are the projects I specifically saved for last because I wanted to have something to look forward to, but I am just TIRED of it all. Maybe if I can go over to Glinda's house and borrow the Serger...

Last night at Rivalz was very nice. First wave was thesigother, allura629, pirate_bob, and That One Guy. We played "UNO", which was ok, and had silly conversation, which was better, and I got to iron the cranky out of my system.

Second wave was mari_who, codeb6, and bradhicks with a surprise guest appearance by a dear friend who I NEVER get to see anymore, since he got MARRIED and fell off the face of the PLANET. I shall assign him a nickname, an easy one. I'll call him The Joker.

I met the Joker when I was a sophomore in High School. He was a freshman. I get the vague idea that I met him through his friend, but I don't remember HOW I got to meet The Joker. This is sad, because knowing him has seriously (and humorously) enriched my life. Of all the idiots I went to high school with, of all the people I called my friends from that school, there are only a smallish handful that I have any interest in renewing friendships with. Here's the list:
minidoc. As evidenced by the fact that I know her LJ name, and still talk to her on a semiregular basis. Please don't fall out of my life, no matter HOW far away you move...
A.B. A person (who turns 30 tomorrow) who HAS fallen out of my life, and I wish to rectify that if at all possible.
Ringo. A person who (ironically) has the same "name" as my SO. As a teenager he was very mixed up, soulful, even suicidal... and he grew up to be someone with a spiritual calling, and a pretty fine steel-drummer. Last seen at the Arousal show at the Monkey Building in January of 2001. (If ANYONE knows how to find him, let me know.)
Noogie. Oddly enough, I would love to reconnect with my former High School Sweetheart. We were really good friends once, and I would be really interested to find out what his life is like now. Last I heard, he was living in Florida and had no desire to talk to me.
Mean. I still see him from time to time, and I do miss our long conversations about random things.

And, of course, The Joker.

He was the 13th boy I kissed. (I was still counting, then.) I always felt that he lived in a slightly parallel universe, and was kind enough to lean into mine and share what his universe was like. He's... inspirational. Talented. Kind. His sense of humor ranges ALL OVER THE PLACE, and he's so funny because he KNOWS about deep-seated pain.

I think that he's one of the people who has a permanent hold on one of my heartstrings. Once I heard him call for help. From across town.
I was too chicken to follow through.

The Joker is a unicorn. He makes people feel their innocence, if there is any left. He inspires creativity and then surprises you with his own genius. Once, he handed me a cassette tape, said "Listen to THIS." and wandered away.
It was Toad the Wet Sprocket, and I can't listen to Toad without thinking of The Joker.

He's one of those people who's very presence makes me remember my best self and inspires me to reach for that part of me. Good friends can tell when I have been hanging around with him, because my levels of whimsy, tolerance, serenity, and kindness increase.

None of this tells you who he IS, though. So far, I have described him as an area effect.

He's someone that is IMPORTANT, and doesn't know WHY yet. (Heck, my SO is like that, too.) He's clever, funny, silly, but also dark, mysterious, crazy, and spiteful. Last I checked, he was still wrestling with his dark side a bit.

His dark side is scary, but never frightened me.

I gave him the name "The Joker" because he played that part in a Batman costume presentation. (I was Poison Ivy. My brother was Batman. phierma was catwoman.) We found him a wonderful purple double breasted suit, yellow shirt, and green string tie. He was magnificent.

At a con in Chicago, he asked me to paint his Joker face again, he wanted to show off the costume in the halls, and do a little of what the kids now call "cosplay." (You didn't invent this, ya darned kids!) So, I obliged him. Sprayed his hair green, made his face white and his eyesockets black, gave him red lips and sent him out the door.

Hours later he pulled me aside.
Him:I need to talk to you about something.
Me: What's up?
Him: Ok, when you dress up in a costume... do you... sometimes feel that character take you over?
Me: Yeah. That's one of the benefits.
Him: *squirms a little* But what if that character is... bad?
Me: Like the Joker?
Him: Well, it's... all these... girls keep hitting on me...
Me: Ah. You have a fan club.
Him: Well, yeah, the Joker has a fan club, but...
Me: *grins* But what? Isn't that a GOOD thing?
Him: *stricken look* But... "HE" is such an ASSHOLE!
Me: Sweetie, he's YOU.
Him: But why do the girls like me when I am an ASSHOLE?!?

Well, not all the girls, all of the time... but every hottie who styled herself a "Harley Quinn," every cosplay junkie, every girl with a thing for bad guys...

Sees a well-dressed, attractive, cartoon-come-to-life representation of The Joker. And he's playing the part to the hilt, just short of actually hurting anyone.

HELLO?!?
Jeez, if I wasn't dealing with a large crowd of my OWN fans, and didn't know him...
I would have been one of those fans!

But I digress...

So, the "Birthday at Rivalz" was a success. It was fun, and afterwards, I went over to bradhicks's house for entirely too long, then went home and passed out.

Slept until after noon today. MMMm..

bradhicks and I had an interesting discussion.

See, it really pisses me off when I am having a bad day or are otherwise stressed out, and someone says something like, "Yeah. You always do this to yourself."

Well, yes and no.

I have a lot of chaos attached to my life. I am an artist, and I have to hustle for a living. I am accustomed to throwing my "autumn" into the Halloweeen Hole. And Halloween retail sales can be intense and grueling. Like most people, when my stress levels rise, my tolerance and patience wears thing quickly.

What I resent is the implication.
I do NOT court chaos. I don't thrive on Drama. I don't deliberately set myself up to fall or fail. I do not "always do this" to myself.
This time, today, the thing that is wearing me thin, or pissing me off, or causing chaos in my life is ENTIRELY DIFFERENT from the last thing that rubbed me raw.
I do learn from my mistakes.
I don't overbook myself on purpose.


And what really chaps my ass is that there are people who will thoughtlessly add to my stress levels, provoking my temper and raising my Evil Self from the lockbox in my head... and then say, "oh, yeah. She's like that." or "Yeah, that always happens."

If it always happens, why are you provoking me? If you know, if EVERYONE knows that I am ALWAYS overbooked for the holiday, throwing things together at the last minute, working two or more jobs to make ends meet and afford Archon...
...why do you offer me artistic opportunities, or party invitations, or interesting projects, or ask for... oh... say... any amount of my undivided attention? And THEN have the gall to say, "Yep. She's always cranky in the fall."

NO.

I say unto you, NO. And SHUT UP. And QUIT POKING ME.

bradhicks says that people say this because they are reminding themselves (and me) that they understand that I am stressed out, and am usually stressed out at this time, and that I haven't been taken away and replaced by my evil self, and that when it is all over the "real" me will be back.
And that they say this, (And this is important, because it is NEVER stated, or implied to ME) because hanging out with me is worth putting up with my moods when I am stretched too thin.
That people say these things because they like me for myself and that includes the inconsiderate and ruthless bitch.

I suppose that it's hard for me to see the implication, since *I* don't like the ruthless bitch. I don't like me when I treat my friends badly. I don't like it when I have to turn down fun in order to get my work done, even when the work is fun, too.

If you like me, and even like me when I am my Evil Self... here's a tip:
Don't ever assume that I know that you admire me, or appreciate me, or that I can feel your worship from afar. Don't ever assume that my ego is also my sense of self-worth. And remember that the reserves that I blow first are the ones that feed ME.

So the next time I snap at someone, or just lose it and go off...
Don't nod wisely, and say, "Ah. Yeah, she does that."
Have the courtesy to show me your fear, and then tell me that I am still cool and that you like me anyway.

And watch me sputter to a halt and blink uncertainly.

Love me. Fear me. But don't patronize me, or condescend to me. I keep special dull forks in the drawer for people like that.

Comments

[ex-eleazar.livejournal.com]

I've no idea how inconvenient it would be to use "Glinda"'s serger, but I have one as well that you're welcome to the use of.

Actually...

[kukla-tko42.livejournal.com]

Glinda lives in Bridgeton. Her house is about 15 minutes away from mine. In traffic.

I appreciate your offer, it is very generous.

However, there are three sergers available to me that are between your house and mine.
(My aunt's, my father's and Glinda's.)

At any rate, your generousity is amazing. Thank you.