![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kukla_tkoFirst, a rant.
Ok. No offense to those of you who wish to help me, but the next person who tells me to "take a break" or that I need to "Slow down" or "find stillness" is going to have their head taken off at the shoulders.
Really.
I am painfully aware of what I need, and that I have needed it for some time. I have other things to accomplish first, and I have less and less energy for suffering fools and helpful kitties.
Here's the deal;
If you see that I need to get a break, a release, or slow down, whatever... ask what you can do to make that happen. Giving me a concerned look and telling me to take it easy is only going to enrage me.
Offer to help with some of the work I have ahead of me before I can rest. Offer to find me better and more productive gigs, so that I can quit screwing around with these rinky-dink events. Don't tell me what I need or what to do... HELP ME ACCOMPLISH IT.
And don't get in my way.
That's peevish, and childish and petulant, I know. I don't really care. I am surrounded by people who are offering their support in the form of platitudes and "Concern" with a big side dish of "I told you so" and "You always do this to yourself."
Guess what, assholes: I don't "Always do this to myself."
There are times when I do take on too much. There are times when I do get anxious about an upcoming (or ongoing) event, and get stressed out. I used to be an enormous wreck for the entire fall season due to my working in the Halloween Industry (and maintaining a full time job as well.)
This is true.
But it is NOT the way I live my day to day life. I do learn from these experiences, and I am still testing my boundaries and early-warning systems. You cannot, CANNOT determine MY boundaries and tolerance levels. Any of you. Some of the most fun I have ever had was "backstage" or just before an event that I was excited about. Just because you can only remember me being crazy stressed out the last time you bothered to pay attention to my art, does NOT mean that I am "always" like that. And I resent the implication.
The tiki party at Lothlorien, was supposed to have been a silly throw away gag, which got ballooned out of control and became this huge money and energy sucking thing. I originally thought a few decorations, an MP3 player with Tiki Lounge music, and maybe we could do a pig roast for our dinner and to share with whomever wanted to come to our camp.
What did it become?
An enormous production; with a full-service feast, dinner theater, hundreds of dollars spent on costumes and decorations, Massive amounts of booze soaked up by the crowd, and campsite that was difficult to navigate. Massive amounts of prep work, and plenty of stress in my household due to the anxiety of my partners.
Now, usually I am the calming influence. I am the one soothing egos, smoothing paths, and encouraging the self-conscious. I am the glue that binds us together, but this time I was the glue that holds together the gears of our well-oiled machine. This time, I became aware of what the schedule had become, and began a low-grade panic. Suddenly, I don't have any energy to spend helping everyone else. I don't have the energy to maintain balance and courtesy, and tact. Suddenly, all I can see are the things being taken from me.
And all I can see is this dark tunnel. Yes, I am fully aware that there is another "side". I know that there is light ahead. I can only do this kind of thing when I am certain that it is temporary.
But it just keeps getting worse, and more aggravating.
Here's the tunnel, kids:
Tiki party, come home on Monday to unload and do as much laundry as fast as possible because EVERYTHING is wet and muddy. Tuesday and Wednesday, deal with the regular "everyday life" stuff for the whole week, and get packed up for SimuCon.
Thursday and Friday? Work all day and work a service-oriented table at a con until 12 midnight.
Saturday: Go to the Paganic to give the Second Unit the items that they need to work. (Coolers, dry ice, popsicles.) Drive from south city to Westport to work Simucon all day. Shut down the booth when the evening's entertainment for the con begins. Oh, and take a last minute, custom order for dragonfly wings that have to be finished in less than an hour.
They turned out beautifully, by the way. And I have a new design as a result.
Go see Harry Potter PoA. Um. Review coming.
Sunday: Get up and go to the Paganic, without my SO who wants to putter around the house (who can blame him, he hasn't gotten any alone time.) Let my Mom go to work part of her shift at the condo, and I stick around to hustle popsicles, face painting and whatnot at the booth. A crowded booth with our Merchant Partners taking up the space in front. We did sell out of popsicles, but we didn't sell anywhere near as many as last year. And dividing up the cash amongst the several people who were there was... unfair to the workers. We didn't really MAKE any money, and I personally went in the hole.
Ugh. Paganic was a total rip off and a disaster. It moved to the other end of the park, to a lovely and idyllic setting. However, NO SIGNAGE was placed at the end where the Picnic appeared last year. I am betting good money that we lost walk through traffic because people drove up, didn't see the picnic, and took off. The whole thing was smaller, both in booths and in number of people in attendance... which was weird since this year we had PERFECT weather on both days. And it was pricey for all that. $80 for a booth? WTF? Bleah.
Also, we come to sell TWO THINGS: Face painting and popsicles. Now, no one else was selling popsicles, and we may even get another year in before we see competition for them. However, there were no less than FOUR face painters there. And I had been told that we were one of the "only two face painters allowed."
CAST is badly mismanaged, but anyone can tell you that. I have watched as competent people who know what to do and how to do it have gotten disgusted and left CAST because they couldn't take it any more. It's worse than a FANACK, really. Bleah.
So, next year if the price stays the same, we might (I mean MIGHT) return, but I am going to push HARD for there to be adequate signage, at every park entrance.
We made better money at Simucon with less hassle, really. However, we didn't make *that* much money. I have got to find another money maker. I like service based stuff, since I have NO WHERE to store inventory.
Possibly more ranting later. Right now I have to do this thing where I work for my money.
Ok. No offense to those of you who wish to help me, but the next person who tells me to "take a break" or that I need to "Slow down" or "find stillness" is going to have their head taken off at the shoulders.
Really.
I am painfully aware of what I need, and that I have needed it for some time. I have other things to accomplish first, and I have less and less energy for suffering fools and helpful kitties.
Here's the deal;
If you see that I need to get a break, a release, or slow down, whatever... ask what you can do to make that happen. Giving me a concerned look and telling me to take it easy is only going to enrage me.
Offer to help with some of the work I have ahead of me before I can rest. Offer to find me better and more productive gigs, so that I can quit screwing around with these rinky-dink events. Don't tell me what I need or what to do... HELP ME ACCOMPLISH IT.
And don't get in my way.
That's peevish, and childish and petulant, I know. I don't really care. I am surrounded by people who are offering their support in the form of platitudes and "Concern" with a big side dish of "I told you so" and "You always do this to yourself."
Guess what, assholes: I don't "Always do this to myself."
There are times when I do take on too much. There are times when I do get anxious about an upcoming (or ongoing) event, and get stressed out. I used to be an enormous wreck for the entire fall season due to my working in the Halloween Industry (and maintaining a full time job as well.)
This is true.
But it is NOT the way I live my day to day life. I do learn from these experiences, and I am still testing my boundaries and early-warning systems. You cannot, CANNOT determine MY boundaries and tolerance levels. Any of you. Some of the most fun I have ever had was "backstage" or just before an event that I was excited about. Just because you can only remember me being crazy stressed out the last time you bothered to pay attention to my art, does NOT mean that I am "always" like that. And I resent the implication.
The tiki party at Lothlorien, was supposed to have been a silly throw away gag, which got ballooned out of control and became this huge money and energy sucking thing. I originally thought a few decorations, an MP3 player with Tiki Lounge music, and maybe we could do a pig roast for our dinner and to share with whomever wanted to come to our camp.
What did it become?
An enormous production; with a full-service feast, dinner theater, hundreds of dollars spent on costumes and decorations, Massive amounts of booze soaked up by the crowd, and campsite that was difficult to navigate. Massive amounts of prep work, and plenty of stress in my household due to the anxiety of my partners.
Now, usually I am the calming influence. I am the one soothing egos, smoothing paths, and encouraging the self-conscious. I am the glue that binds us together, but this time I was the glue that holds together the gears of our well-oiled machine. This time, I became aware of what the schedule had become, and began a low-grade panic. Suddenly, I don't have any energy to spend helping everyone else. I don't have the energy to maintain balance and courtesy, and tact. Suddenly, all I can see are the things being taken from me.
And all I can see is this dark tunnel. Yes, I am fully aware that there is another "side". I know that there is light ahead. I can only do this kind of thing when I am certain that it is temporary.
But it just keeps getting worse, and more aggravating.
Here's the tunnel, kids:
Tiki party, come home on Monday to unload and do as much laundry as fast as possible because EVERYTHING is wet and muddy. Tuesday and Wednesday, deal with the regular "everyday life" stuff for the whole week, and get packed up for SimuCon.
Thursday and Friday? Work all day and work a service-oriented table at a con until 12 midnight.
Saturday: Go to the Paganic to give the Second Unit the items that they need to work. (Coolers, dry ice, popsicles.) Drive from south city to Westport to work Simucon all day. Shut down the booth when the evening's entertainment for the con begins. Oh, and take a last minute, custom order for dragonfly wings that have to be finished in less than an hour.
They turned out beautifully, by the way. And I have a new design as a result.
Go see Harry Potter PoA. Um. Review coming.
Sunday: Get up and go to the Paganic, without my SO who wants to putter around the house (who can blame him, he hasn't gotten any alone time.) Let my Mom go to work part of her shift at the condo, and I stick around to hustle popsicles, face painting and whatnot at the booth. A crowded booth with our Merchant Partners taking up the space in front. We did sell out of popsicles, but we didn't sell anywhere near as many as last year. And dividing up the cash amongst the several people who were there was... unfair to the workers. We didn't really MAKE any money, and I personally went in the hole.
Ugh. Paganic was a total rip off and a disaster. It moved to the other end of the park, to a lovely and idyllic setting. However, NO SIGNAGE was placed at the end where the Picnic appeared last year. I am betting good money that we lost walk through traffic because people drove up, didn't see the picnic, and took off. The whole thing was smaller, both in booths and in number of people in attendance... which was weird since this year we had PERFECT weather on both days. And it was pricey for all that. $80 for a booth? WTF? Bleah.
Also, we come to sell TWO THINGS: Face painting and popsicles. Now, no one else was selling popsicles, and we may even get another year in before we see competition for them. However, there were no less than FOUR face painters there. And I had been told that we were one of the "only two face painters allowed."
CAST is badly mismanaged, but anyone can tell you that. I have watched as competent people who know what to do and how to do it have gotten disgusted and left CAST because they couldn't take it any more. It's worse than a FANACK, really. Bleah.
So, next year if the price stays the same, we might (I mean MIGHT) return, but I am going to push HARD for there to be adequate signage, at every park entrance.
We made better money at Simucon with less hassle, really. However, we didn't make *that* much money. I have got to find another money maker. I like service based stuff, since I have NO WHERE to store inventory.
Possibly more ranting later. Right now I have to do this thing where I work for my money.
