Wonderfulness
Aug. 16th, 2007 10:05 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kukla_tkoThere are many ways to be a wonderful person.
There have been times when people came to me asking me how they can be more wonderful. Different adjectives are brought forth, but basically I think that everyone wants to be perceived as wonderful.
We all want an opportunity to fill others with a sense of wonder. To be not only the center of attention but to be admired, and maybe even a little bit feared. There are people out there who have no idea how to accomplish this. They look around and see that others attract people, run successful social events, and are spoken of with respect, and wonder: "Why not me?"
Now, some people figure out how to attract attention, how to become the center of the conversation and how to keep people talking about them. They figure out the easy route of seeking negative attention. I think everyone as a child experimented with this concept. In the case of my household, my mother would call us on the bullshit, and call it by name. (One of the things she always got right.)
"Are you seeking negative attention?" The first time she pulled this on us, we were bewildered.
"huh?"
"Do you want my attention SO BADLY that you're willing to be punished to get it?"
Well, when you put it that way... um... no?
These were the times that we were sent to our rooms. No attention for us!
Sometimes negative attention can be ok. There have been times when I needed to get my message across SO BADLY that I was willing to take flack or accept negative press just to be heard.
But most of the time, when I want attention, I prefer positive attention. Contrary to popular belief, I don't *always* want attention. I certainly don't want attention paid to me when I'm unprepared. If I am in a pissy mood, I probably don't want attention. If I'm socially over-stimulated, I probably don't want attention.
So how does a person, a grown-up adult, attract positive attention when they want it?
Be. Wonderful.
How do we do that?
Do you know anyone who is wonderful? Figure out what it is that they do, say, or are that makes them wonderful. Don't COPY it; learn from it.
An example:
Someone who I have referred to in this journal by the pseudonym "Glinda". No, she's not the Good Witch of Our Group. She is, however, someone that I think is Wonderful. One of the symptoms of her wonderfulness is that she never has an unkind word to say about anything. She has a kindness filter on her mouth, and it is on even when she's really pissed off. Now, that by itself would be pretty wonderful, but she takes it a step further. She peppers her speech with kind things to say about everything.
No, I don't mean that she floats around talking about things with cute hearts, rainbows, and unicorn farts surrounding her words. I mean that she walks through a hallway at a con wearing something that *the people at Disneyworld had themselves photographed with when she visited*, and says in an offhand way, "Oh! That Star Trek costume is so well-done!" or she'll suddenly giggle and say, "That's so FUNNY!" about a comedic costume. She doesn't waste her time trying to be So Much Better than the other costumers. She doesn't stomp her foot if no one appreciates her work. She swans around in her garments, complimenting everyone else's effort.
That's pretty wonderful.
Now, the work that she does is spectacular. She is very good at tailoring her stuff to fit her well; she's brilliant at figuring out the shapes of things and how they ought to sit on a human being. Her talents include an eye for color and detail, and she always manages to turn even the simplest put-it-together-from-thrift-stores ensemble into a work of art.
To misquote Patrick Stewart in "Jeffrey": "I worship her as a God."
She's someone who never takes the bully's route.
Bullying behavior may be useful sometimes, but it isn't nice. It isn't right. And it's pretty far away from Wonderful.
Bullies learn, either by example or by positive reinforcement, that there's a quick way to feel superior, to be the coolest person present: Make someone else look foolish. Make someone else feel pain and you'll feel better. Make someone else feel miserable, and you’ll be happy. Make someone else feel worthless, and you'll feel worthy.
It sounds ridiculous, but it actually works very well on humans. The problem of course, is that most bullies never complete the above sentences. The end of each statement is "By Comparison."
Combine it with even the smallest amount of sadism, and you get someone who believes wholeheartedly that your pain makes them smile. Bullies learn that making people hurt gives them a thrill, makes them feel powerful.**
So I want to talk about someone who has sometimes been accused of being a bully. Nothing could be farther from the truth. I have a friend who has been a very VERY good friend to me over the years. This person has helped me when no one else would or could. He has helped me when it was dreadfully inconvenient for him, he has sheltered me when I needed a place to stay, he has fed me when I was hungry (to the point of keeping foods in his house that he didn't like just because I would enjoy them if I came over). Unlike Glinda, he never says nice things simply to be nice. He doesn't go out of his way to say something kind to every person he meets. His filter is different: He tells the truth.
That takes some getting used to, and some people believe that he only speaks the truth to be offensive, and only speaks the facts to show his mental superiority over you.
Nope. He found a different human endorphin rush: He loves to learn, and he loves to share what he has learned. If he found something fascinating, he's likely to share the whole thing with the people he likes. He knows that learning something new makes our brains happy, and sharing that knowledge will give an additional shot of happy-brain-chemicals.
How to tell that he's not a bully? Bullies don't back down if you show them that their facts are out of whack. Bullies don't go look stuff up to settle an argument. Bullies push until they've found a way to WIN the argument, to make you look like an idiot... and they'll settle for an emotional duel to accomplish it. One more give-away? He doesn't actually like to see anyone in pain. He doesn't like to HURT people. **
He'll never flatter me. He'll never tell me something that fudges the truth. This gives him a different piece of wonderfulness: If he pays a compliment, PAY ATTENTION. He means it, and he means it as truth.
I know that if I parade past Glinda in some random costume, she will coo over it and tell me how great it is. I know that if I parade past Brad and he says that I look good that I have it *going on!* (At least, for him.)
If I go to Glinda and ask her for the truth about my outfit (Can she see the flaws? Did I get this dart right?) she will (as an aside, NEVER in front of other people) give me an honest critique, but she does so with great kindness and appreciation for the work that I have done. So she tells the truth, too. I have never heard her say a kind thing that wasn't also true.
These are both gifts.
And when I try to remember how to be wonderful, these are two personalities that I draw from. Generosity, kindness, truth. These are pretty wonderful.
I might post some more about the people who I think are wonderful. After all, it isn't like these are the only wonderful people in my life!
I learn wonderfulness from all of you every day.
**A footnote. I am sure that most of you realize that I'm not talking about consensual BD/SM relationships, here, I'm talking about bullies who hurt people for the sake of hurting them. However, if I don't put in the disclaimer, one of you is going to start foaming at the mouth about consensual play, so here's the disclaimer.
And I'm also fully aware that there are people who play/live the BDSM lifestyle who are *still bullies* in the rest of their lives. They just have permission to do it with their partner(s).
There have been times when people came to me asking me how they can be more wonderful. Different adjectives are brought forth, but basically I think that everyone wants to be perceived as wonderful.
We all want an opportunity to fill others with a sense of wonder. To be not only the center of attention but to be admired, and maybe even a little bit feared. There are people out there who have no idea how to accomplish this. They look around and see that others attract people, run successful social events, and are spoken of with respect, and wonder: "Why not me?"
Now, some people figure out how to attract attention, how to become the center of the conversation and how to keep people talking about them. They figure out the easy route of seeking negative attention. I think everyone as a child experimented with this concept. In the case of my household, my mother would call us on the bullshit, and call it by name. (One of the things she always got right.)
"Are you seeking negative attention?" The first time she pulled this on us, we were bewildered.
"huh?"
"Do you want my attention SO BADLY that you're willing to be punished to get it?"
Well, when you put it that way... um... no?
These were the times that we were sent to our rooms. No attention for us!
Sometimes negative attention can be ok. There have been times when I needed to get my message across SO BADLY that I was willing to take flack or accept negative press just to be heard.
But most of the time, when I want attention, I prefer positive attention. Contrary to popular belief, I don't *always* want attention. I certainly don't want attention paid to me when I'm unprepared. If I am in a pissy mood, I probably don't want attention. If I'm socially over-stimulated, I probably don't want attention.
So how does a person, a grown-up adult, attract positive attention when they want it?
Be. Wonderful.
How do we do that?
Do you know anyone who is wonderful? Figure out what it is that they do, say, or are that makes them wonderful. Don't COPY it; learn from it.
An example:
Someone who I have referred to in this journal by the pseudonym "Glinda". No, she's not the Good Witch of Our Group. She is, however, someone that I think is Wonderful. One of the symptoms of her wonderfulness is that she never has an unkind word to say about anything. She has a kindness filter on her mouth, and it is on even when she's really pissed off. Now, that by itself would be pretty wonderful, but she takes it a step further. She peppers her speech with kind things to say about everything.
No, I don't mean that she floats around talking about things with cute hearts, rainbows, and unicorn farts surrounding her words. I mean that she walks through a hallway at a con wearing something that *the people at Disneyworld had themselves photographed with when she visited*, and says in an offhand way, "Oh! That Star Trek costume is so well-done!" or she'll suddenly giggle and say, "That's so FUNNY!" about a comedic costume. She doesn't waste her time trying to be So Much Better than the other costumers. She doesn't stomp her foot if no one appreciates her work. She swans around in her garments, complimenting everyone else's effort.
That's pretty wonderful.
Now, the work that she does is spectacular. She is very good at tailoring her stuff to fit her well; she's brilliant at figuring out the shapes of things and how they ought to sit on a human being. Her talents include an eye for color and detail, and she always manages to turn even the simplest put-it-together-from-thrift-stores ensemble into a work of art.
To misquote Patrick Stewart in "Jeffrey": "I worship her as a God."
She's someone who never takes the bully's route.
Bullying behavior may be useful sometimes, but it isn't nice. It isn't right. And it's pretty far away from Wonderful.
Bullies learn, either by example or by positive reinforcement, that there's a quick way to feel superior, to be the coolest person present: Make someone else look foolish. Make someone else feel pain and you'll feel better. Make someone else feel miserable, and you’ll be happy. Make someone else feel worthless, and you'll feel worthy.
It sounds ridiculous, but it actually works very well on humans. The problem of course, is that most bullies never complete the above sentences. The end of each statement is "By Comparison."
Combine it with even the smallest amount of sadism, and you get someone who believes wholeheartedly that your pain makes them smile. Bullies learn that making people hurt gives them a thrill, makes them feel powerful.**
So I want to talk about someone who has sometimes been accused of being a bully. Nothing could be farther from the truth. I have a friend who has been a very VERY good friend to me over the years. This person has helped me when no one else would or could. He has helped me when it was dreadfully inconvenient for him, he has sheltered me when I needed a place to stay, he has fed me when I was hungry (to the point of keeping foods in his house that he didn't like just because I would enjoy them if I came over). Unlike Glinda, he never says nice things simply to be nice. He doesn't go out of his way to say something kind to every person he meets. His filter is different: He tells the truth.
That takes some getting used to, and some people believe that he only speaks the truth to be offensive, and only speaks the facts to show his mental superiority over you.
Nope. He found a different human endorphin rush: He loves to learn, and he loves to share what he has learned. If he found something fascinating, he's likely to share the whole thing with the people he likes. He knows that learning something new makes our brains happy, and sharing that knowledge will give an additional shot of happy-brain-chemicals.
How to tell that he's not a bully? Bullies don't back down if you show them that their facts are out of whack. Bullies don't go look stuff up to settle an argument. Bullies push until they've found a way to WIN the argument, to make you look like an idiot... and they'll settle for an emotional duel to accomplish it. One more give-away? He doesn't actually like to see anyone in pain. He doesn't like to HURT people. **
He'll never flatter me. He'll never tell me something that fudges the truth. This gives him a different piece of wonderfulness: If he pays a compliment, PAY ATTENTION. He means it, and he means it as truth.
I know that if I parade past Glinda in some random costume, she will coo over it and tell me how great it is. I know that if I parade past Brad and he says that I look good that I have it *going on!* (At least, for him.)
If I go to Glinda and ask her for the truth about my outfit (Can she see the flaws? Did I get this dart right?) she will (as an aside, NEVER in front of other people) give me an honest critique, but she does so with great kindness and appreciation for the work that I have done. So she tells the truth, too. I have never heard her say a kind thing that wasn't also true.
These are both gifts.
And when I try to remember how to be wonderful, these are two personalities that I draw from. Generosity, kindness, truth. These are pretty wonderful.
I might post some more about the people who I think are wonderful. After all, it isn't like these are the only wonderful people in my life!
I learn wonderfulness from all of you every day.
**A footnote. I am sure that most of you realize that I'm not talking about consensual BD/SM relationships, here, I'm talking about bullies who hurt people for the sake of hurting them. However, if I don't put in the disclaimer, one of you is going to start foaming at the mouth about consensual play, so here's the disclaimer.
And I'm also fully aware that there are people who play/live the BDSM lifestyle who are *still bullies* in the rest of their lives. They just have permission to do it with their partner(s).
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Date: 2007-08-16 11:24 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-08-17 04:28 am (UTC)