Laaaaazy, happy, and pissy.

Well, I am supposed to be furiously sewing the last of the La Mancha costumes.

Sigh.

I don't wanna.

I am tired of that project, and of course the last few things are the things I didn't really want to do, anyway.

LeSigh.

Well, that isn't true. Some of these things are the projects I specifically saved for last because I wanted to have something to look forward to, but I am just TIRED of it all. Maybe if I can go over to Glinda's house and borrow the Serger...

Last night at Rivalz was very nice. First wave was thesigother, allura629, pirate_bob, and That One Guy. We played "UNO", which was ok, and had silly conversation, which was better, and I got to iron the cranky out of my system.

Second wave was mari_who, codeb6, and bradhicks with a surprise guest appearance by a dear friend who I NEVER get to see anymore, since he got MARRIED and fell off the face of the PLANET. I shall assign him a nickname, an easy one. I'll call him The Joker.
( side remarks about The Joker. )

So, the "Birthday at Rivalz" was a success. It was fun, and afterwards, I went over to bradhicks's house for entirely too long, then went home and passed out.

Slept until after noon today. MMMm..

bradhicks and I had an interesting discussion.

See, it really pisses me off when I am having a bad day or are otherwise stressed out, and someone says something like, "Yeah. You always do this to yourself."

Well, yes and no.

I have a lot of chaos attached to my life. I am an artist, and I have to hustle for a living. I am accustomed to throwing my "autumn" into the Halloweeen Hole. And Halloween retail sales can be intense and grueling. Like most people, when my stress levels rise, my tolerance and patience wears thing quickly.

What I resent is the implication.
I do NOT court chaos. I don't thrive on Drama. I don't deliberately set myself up to fall or fail. I do not "always do this" to myself.
This time, today, the thing that is wearing me thin, or pissing me off, or causing chaos in my life is ENTIRELY DIFFERENT from the last thing that rubbed me raw.
I do learn from my mistakes.
I don't overbook myself on purpose.


And what really chaps my ass is that there are people who will thoughtlessly add to my stress levels, provoking my temper and raising my Evil Self from the lockbox in my head... and then say, "oh, yeah. She's like that." or "Yeah, that always happens."

If it always happens, why are you provoking me? If you know, if EVERYONE knows that I am ALWAYS overbooked for the holiday, throwing things together at the last minute, working two or more jobs to make ends meet and afford Archon...
...why do you offer me artistic opportunities, or party invitations, or interesting projects, or ask for... oh... say... any amount of my undivided attention? And THEN have the gall to say, "Yep. She's always cranky in the fall."

NO.

I say unto you, NO. And SHUT UP. And QUIT POKING ME.

bradhicks says that people say this because they are reminding themselves (and me) that they understand that I am stressed out, and am usually stressed out at this time, and that I haven't been taken away and replaced by my evil self, and that when it is all over the "real" me will be back.
And that they say this, (And this is important, because it is NEVER stated, or implied to ME) because hanging out with me is worth putting up with my moods when I am stretched too thin.
That people say these things because they like me for myself and that includes the inconsiderate and ruthless bitch.

I suppose that it's hard for me to see the implication, since *I* don't like the ruthless bitch. I don't like me when I treat my friends badly. I don't like it when I have to turn down fun in order to get my work done, even when the work is fun, too.

If you like me, and even like me when I am my Evil Self... here's a tip:
Don't ever assume that I know that you admire me, or appreciate me, or that I can feel your worship from afar. Don't ever assume that my ego is also my sense of self-worth. And remember that the reserves that I blow first are the ones that feed ME.

So the next time I snap at someone, or just lose it and go off...
Don't nod wisely, and say, "Ah. Yeah, she does that."
Have the courtesy to show me your fear, and then tell me that I am still cool and that you like me anyway.

And watch me sputter to a halt and blink uncertainly.

Love me. Fear me. But don't patronize me, or condescend to me. I keep special dull forks in the drawer for people like that.