In loving tribute to a great movie.

[kukla_tko]

It's that time again, kids. Time for one of my Loving Parodies....

Pirates of the Caribbean: Here Is Your Junk

Opening Bits:
We see a sinister castle with sinister magic over it
we see what is probably a scene from Ghostrider

We see no text.
And it is good.

The New Captian Ice Cream: A State Of Emergency has been called, and we will now deal with our terrorist Pirate menace by revoking the following rights: Right to assembly, Right to a fair trial, right to an attorney, right to bear arms, right to arm bears, right to wash one's face...
Prisoners: (line up to be hanged)
The New Captian Ice Cream: Anyone who is convicted of piracy is to be hanged, as usual. Anyone assisting in acts of piracy will be hanged. Anyone who associates with a pirate is to be hanged. Anyone who is related to a pirate will be hanged. Anyone who bumps into a pirate accidentally in the marketplace will get a stern talking-to and then will be hanged.
Prisoners: (are hanged)
Little boy in line: Damn. They pulled me out of the touring company of Oliver for this shit? Oh, well. Time for a song before I go... (begins singing)
Other prisoners: (Begin singing)
Prisoners in line: Sing in choral unison complete with choreography.
The New Captian Ice Cream: Sir, they've started to sing...
Evil Bastard: It's about time. This *is* a Disney film, you know.
The New Captian Ice Cream: Erm, then why did we just hang a singing child, again?

Meanwhile, back in Singapore...
Elizabeth: Row row row my boat, gently down the stream...
Pirate (who is not a ninja. Nope. No ninjas in this movie): Life isn't a dream to people who sing that song. Especially a woman...
Barbosa: Hands off, dat's my bitch.
Elizabeth: And I can gut you like a fish right here...
Barbosa: Damn straight. I likes my bitches sassy. We're here to see your master.

(insert ridiculous disarming scene here. You've seen it in many other movies. Elizabeth is totally packing.)

Sao Feng: Gimmie steam, 'cause what you feel can make it real, real as any place you've been...
Barbosa: What up, dawg. We need a ship and a crew.
Sao Feng: Sure, since I happen to have one lying around.
Elizabeth: You do?
Sao Feng: No, but some asshole tried to steal my navigational charts this morning. Funny about that. He's a white guy.
Barbosa: Interesting coincidence.
Sau Feng: Show them the white guy.
Will: (GASP) (Is all wet and tied up and stuff)
Sao Feng: Do you know him?
Barbosa: Nope.
Elizabeth: Nuh-uh.
Sao Feng: Scrape off his valuable face.
Elizabeth: (GASP)
Sao Feng: Yeah. That's what I thought. You guys really suck at this.

Meanwhile back at the emergency back-up plan:
The River: I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts... doodley doo...
Coconuts: Psych! We're pirates!
Pirates: We're in your steam room, killing your dudes!
Would-I: Heh. I can see Elizabeth's maidenhead!

Barbosa: The song has been sung. The pirate lords are summoned. We totally have to do this thing and we need to go to the end of the world to get Jack Sparrow and the Black Pearl.
Sao Feng: So what? I hate Sparrow and I don't care about the other pirate lords. You're just trying to screw me over in the grand old pirate way!
Barbosa: We're not trying to screw you over!
Swords: Sproing!
Barbosa and Elizabeth: (Catch swords)
Barbosa: Aw, fuck it.

Wackiness ensues.

Sao Feng: Enough! Stop right now or I will kill your yellow guy!
Barbosa and Elizabeth: We don't have a yellow guy.
East Indian Trading Co: Busted! Kill everyone!

Wackiness ensues.

Sao Feng: (sigh) Ok, take a damn ship, much good may it do you. Here is my junk.

Barbosa, Elizabeth, Will, Tia Dalma, Would-I, Baldy, the Midget, Mr. Gibbs and the rest sail away on Chow Yun Fat's Junk.

Tender Emo Scene:
Elizabeth: *SILENCE*
Will: Quit giving me the silent treatment.
Elizabeth: *COLD SHOULDER*
Will: Knock it off. What's wrong?
Elizabeth: nothing.
Will: Is this practice for marriage or are you hiding something from me?
Elizabeth: Does it have to be one or the other?

In the Frozen Wasteland:
Pirates: Bloody cold.
Pirates who are not ninjas: Bloody cold. Oh, crap! there goes my toe...
Will: are we going the right way?
Junk: Sails into a strange cavern.

Meanwhile, in Davy Jones' Locker:
BEHOLD JACK'S NUT.
Captain Jack: (Prepares to eat the nut)
Captain Jack: (shoots Jack) MY peanut.
Captain Jack: Don't touch that squirrel's nuts!
Captain Jacks: I'm Jack Sparrow yes I'm the real Sparrow all you other Jack Sparrows are just imitating so won't the real Jack Sparrow pleas stand up, please stand up, please stand up?
(In other words, Jack Sparrow plays with himself forever in a strange white wasteland without water. On the black pearl.)
The Black Pearl: Gets crabs.

Meanwhile, back on Chow Yun Fat's junk...
Pirates: Oo look at the stars...
Will: Where the hell are we?
Barbosa: There's no earthly way of knowing / Which direction we are going / There's no knowing where we're rowing / Or which way the river's flowing / Is it raining? / Is it snowing? / Is a hurricane a-blowing? / Not a speck of light is showing / So the danger must be growing / Are the fires of hell a-glowing? / Is the grisly reaper mowing? / Yes, the danger must be growing / 'Cause the rowers keep on rowing / And they're certainly not showing / Any signs that they are slowing.
Will: Shouldn't Captain Jack be the one saying that?
Barbosa: Gar! I preferred the Gene Wilder version...
Elizabeth: AUGH!
Pirates: Pay up, it's flat...
Tia Dalma: (does magic soothsaying stuff) HARD TO PORT!
Everyone: (falls off the edge of the world.)

Meanwhile back in civilization:
Evil Bastard: This is awesome. I have a pet tentacle monster who is some kind of demigod at my beck and call. I have a creepy heart in a box. I have Norrington on my leash as well. I have the most perfect tea set ever, and everyone is trying to make deals with me.
Leftennant: Um, the Flying Dutchman is giving no quarter.
Evil Bastard: Do I have to do EVERYTHING myself? (Grumbles off to spank Davy Jones.)

Meanwhile, back on the cursed beach of Davy Jones' Locker
Kracken: *is dead*
The Black Pearl: *appears*
Jack Sparrow: Nice of you all to appear in my hallucination.
Will: Jack, we've come to rescue you.
Jack: See, that's totally what I'd hallucinate that you'd say...
Barbosa: Yo.
Jack: Hector.
Elizabeth: GODDAMMIT, Jack, we have to get you out of here!
Jack: MEEP! *hides*
Jack: No no no. I'm not going with any of you. I have a ship, I'm getting out.
Barbosa: We have the charts to get out. And that's totally my ship.
Jack: Nope, my ship. My peanut. Four of you have tried to kill me and one of you succeeded.
Will: *Looks at Elizabeth*
Elizabeth: *Looks Guilty.*

Let's just say that everyone ends up on the Pearl.

Dead souls: *Float eerily in the water*
Tia Dalma: Davy Jones is supposed to be HERE, helping the souls of the newly dead cross over. Now they have to do it on their own because he turned into a tentacle monster.
Dead Souls: *Float along in boats with lights*
Governor Swan: *is dead*
Elizabeth: DAD! Come aboard!
Governor Swan: No, sweetie. I'm dead. They killed me because I found out about that beastly heart in a box. If you stab the heart, you take Davy Jones' place. The flying dutchman has to have a captain. Remember this, though it will be repeated, just to be sure.
Elizabeth: NOOOOO
Governor Swan: I'm so proud of you, my little pirate.

The Water: *is gone*
The Rum: *Gone, too*
Navigational Charts: One, two, three O'leary, upsiedownsies, red rover red rover...
Barbosa: Well, I don't bloody know.
Tia Dalma: If we don't get out before the sun sets, we're totally stuck here.
Jack Sparrow: Heh. Barbosa! Let's rock out!
Everyone else: WTF?
The Black Pearl: Rocks out, rocks over.

Bamf!

Pirates: WHoo-HOO!

Ok, this next bit gets a bit confusing. Let us simply say that
WACKINESS ENSUES including (but not limited to)
Sao Feng makes a deal with the evil bastard
The Evil bastard catches up with them
Everyone tries to take control of the Black Pearl
Elizabeth is mistaken for a sea goddess and taken into Sao Feng's custody. Sao feng makes a bad pass and then dies, but not before giving Elizabeth a marble and making her the captain.
Jack makes a deal to deliver the pirates to the Evil Bastard.
The pearl gets away to go to Shipwreck Island to the super secret meeting of the pirate lords
Will tries to make a deal to double cross Jack. Finds out that Davy Jones was the one who helped the pirate lords to bind the sea-goddess Calypso into human form.

Meanwhile in Shipwreck Cove:
Barbosa: *bangs his balls on the table* I call this meeting of the Pirate Lords to order.
Pirate lords: What for?
Barbosa: The Man is trying to beat us down, people. We need a bigger, nastier power to protect us. I say we release Calypso from her human form and turn her loose on our enemies.
Pirate Lord Elizabeth: I say we fight.
Random Pirate Lords: No way. We can totally hang out here.

Wackiness ensues.

Barbosa: *Leaps onto the table, fires gun and swings his balls around* Listen up, people. We have to come to some kind of agreement.
Jack Sparrow: Cuttlefish! We're going to eat each other if we stay in here. Lunch box. Persuasive argument. Declare war!
Barbosa: The code says that only a pirate king can declare war.
Jack Sparrow: Nuh-uh!
Pirate Lords: Let's ask Captain Teague. He's the keeper of the Code.
Keith Richards with a Black Beard: You're in the way, boy. Hm. Yep, says right here that only the Pirate King may declare war.
Jack Sparrow: I declare a vote for pirate King!
Barbosa: Barbosa.
Madame Jade: Madame Jade.
Silly Beard: Silly Beard
Pirate Lord Elizabeth: Elizabeth.
Captain Hook: Captain Hook.
Jack: Elizabeth. Ha! Didn't see that coming!
Pirate King Elizabeth: OMGWTFBBQ er, I mean, I declare War!!!

Wackiness ensues, including but not limited to:
Pirates prepare for war.
The Fleet comes to meet them.
Barbosa claims all the things he needs to free Calypso who is, in fact, Tia Dalma.

On the Pearl:
Tia Dalma: Fuckers sent me to the brig. I'll listen to my Ipod.
Davy Jones: You're playing our song.
Tia Dalma: Why did you turn into such a nasty bastard?
Davy: Because you screwed me over, you bitch.
Tia: I did not.
Davy: I came back and you didn't meet me. You betrayed me.
Tia: Oh. Yeah. I do that sometimes. You love me that way, don't you?
Davy: No. It sucks. Nobody likes it when you do that.
Tia: Tentacle Rape Monster.
Davy: Heartless Whore.
Tia: Kiss me, you fool.
Davy: I'm out of here.

On the deck of the Pearl:
Barbosa: Now we do the thing to free you. We burn the pieces of whatever-we-had-in-our-pockets-at-the-time, and speak the magic words in the voice of a lover. Ahem. CALYPSO I FREE YOU FROM YOUR MORTAL FORM.
Would-I: Noob.
Barbosa: Whassat?
Would-I: You're doing it all wrong. Ahem. Calypso, I free you from your mortal form. *earlick*
Pieces of Eight: Burn
Calypso: Begins transformation
Will: Calypso! Who taught them how to bind you?
Calypso: I never found out. Tell me!
Will: Davy. Jones.
Calypso: ROAR! *gets big*

Colors get hoisted. Real colors, real pirate flags and the first one is the red flag.
Quick history lesson for the noobs:
Black Pirate Flag= We're on your ship, taking your stuff. KTHXBYE
Red Pirate Flag= NO QUARTER GIVEN. We're on your ship, killing your doods. All of them.

Wackiness ensues.
Will: *declares his love for Elizabeth and proposes to her. Again.*
Elizabeth:*gets swept up in the moment and demands that Barbosa marry them.*
Barbosa: *always one with a taste for the dramatic, manages a hollywood wedding during a swordfight*
Elizabeth and Will: *kiss*
Barbosa: Now, Impress me and consummate it!

Will goes to the Flying Dutchman to try to free his father, Jack goes to the flying dutchman to try to usurp Davy Jones.

On The Flying Dutchman:
Will: Ok, gotta find the damn heart, gotta figure out how to kill Davy Jones without actually being the one to kill him since I will be required to take his place and I'll lose Elizabeth...
Jack: I got the heart, and now I'm going to use it to spank Davy Jones silly.
Davy Jones: I've had enough of this nonsense, I'm going to Hentai the Evil Bastard's second in command to death. Oh. Crap. Somebody's got my heart.

Wackiness ensues.
Davy Jones: You can't replace me, Jack. You're not cruel.
Jack: Cruelty is relative.
Davy Jones: Relate to this. *Stabs Will and twists the blade*
Elizabeth: NOOO
Jack: Shit.
Will: Stabs the heart as his last action (with a little help from his friends.)
Davy Jones: *Falls into the raging bosom of Calypso's maelstrom*

And now to wrap things up:
Will is the new captain of the Flying Dutchman, complete with chest scar.
Elizabeth is Mrs. Turner, and the Pirate King and can only see Will one day out of every 10 years.
They totally do it.

Jack Sparrow is not immortal, but has his life and his beloved Black Pearl. Or, well, the navigational charts and a dinghy anyway.
Barbosa has the pearl, but not the charts. He plans to go to the Fountain of Youth. (Wouldn't it be USEFUL for Elizabeth to get some of that water? hmm?)

The Monkey gets Jack's peanut.

Davy Jones is presumably reunited with Calypso. She's most likely giving him the silent treatment and the cold shoulder. Or barnacles or something.

Evil Bastard was blown to bits along with his ship. And there was much rejoicing.

The Pearl has a new comedy duo. Would-I and his bald friend are uneasy.

Mr. Gibbs befriended a couple of whores and presumably has a new social disease.

The fleet takes off because the Evil Bastard is dead.

Captain Norrington died earlier in the film, in a really great scene. I guess I should have included it.

Calypso returns to rule the sea except that I'm sure Poseidon would take exception to her meddling.


And the gimmie for reading this far?
When Will returns after 10 years, there's a 9 year old Will (v.3) that has been taught pirate songs. Embrace of the Gods is always fertile. Let's sincerely hope that Elizabeth gets that Fountain of Youth water...

Yo ho yo ho a pirate's life for me...

Comments

[bradhicks.livejournal.com]

Jack Sparrow: I declare a vote for pirate King!
Barbosa: Barbosa.
Madame Jade: Madame Jade.
Silly Beard: Silly Beard
Pirate Lord Elizabeth: Elizabeth.
Captain Hook: Captain Hook.
Jack: Elizabeth. Ha! Didn't see that coming!

I think I figured out Jack's secret about this point. Remember when Evil Bastard's dopey sidekick asked him, right after Jack pwned them, "Do you think he plans these things, or does he make them up as he goes along?" I think that other than the tiny bits of magic he snuck off of Tia Dalma back when they were bumping uglies, Jack's secret is that he's figured out one thing: if the situation can't be any worse and you can't do anything productive, do something completely random. At the very least it screws up everybody else's plans.

[kukla-tko42.livejournal.com]

Which is how I play pool, oddly enough.

[phierma.livejournal.com]

Actually, I saw the election of an actual king coming a mile away.
The only surprise was that it was Jack voting for Elizabeth, rather
than the other way around.

[kukla-tko42.livejournal.com]

Why was that a surprise? Elizabeth was howling for a fight, and Jack needed to get the pirates out of the "fortress", both for his own reasons and because he had made a shaky deal with the Evil Bastard.

He himself needed to get to the Flying Dutchman where he could stab Davy Jones in the heart. Oddly enough, in this sequence Jack was even less random than usual. Probably because he knows that the other pirate lords are totally predictible.

I did not mean to imply that *I* was surprised at the call for a vote, only that Jack felt he was surprising everyone with his vote.

[phierma.livejournal.com]

When Will returns after 10 years, there's a 9 year old Will (v.3) that has been taught pirate songs.

Far be it from me to sucker for stereotypes, but I took the child for a daughter.

[phierma.livejournal.com]

That is, I understood her to be a daughter; I didn't, like, adopt her or anything.

[gruamach.livejournal.com]

I felt the same, that it could be either gender, actually.

Everyone else with me was all "No, it's a boy"

But I could easily have seen the child as a girl. Looked rather feminine, even for that prepubescent age.

[bakadragon.livejournal.com]

Josh would also like to make a note that Keith Richards was actually playing someone from Monkey Island and not Pirates of the Carribbean. Apparently he got confused in the wrong movie or something. Or it was a cameo cameo, either way.

[gruamach.livejournal.com]

heheheheh....you always know how to crack me up!


Personally, I like Barbosa better than Jack in this one. :)

[klasek1987.livejournal.com]

*laughes out loud slightly crying* That was greatt. My sister told me there is to be a 4th and 5th movie for sure, so this will be interesting. And I thought the same thing about Elizabeth getting some of the fountain of youth water. I also love how so many things from the first movie came back in this one.