The Long Dark Night of the Soul
Aug. 9th, 2004 10:48 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kukla_tkoGrowl.
Come get some.
I have become Dark TKO. I have devolved into the Bitch. I was snarling at my family over penny poker last night. Behold the terrible efficiency of my awesome dark powers.
My coping skills are degenerating. I am in chapter 13, so I can't have any kind of "debt." so... if I am short on bills or even the monthly Ch13 payment, I borrow from friends and family.
I'm in too deep. And since I make about 40% less at the Condo than I did at the last job, I am sliding further and further into debt with my friends and family.
This is humiliating and demoralizing.
Plus, since I can't afford to go back to my Chiropractor, and I am sitting for a living again in a really crappy desk chair, I am back to being in constant lower back pain. The kind where getting up or sitting down is excruciating. The kind where my SO touches me casually on my "hotspot" and I whimper softly, and without thinking about it.
I am seeing self-sabotaging behaviors (and so are those closest to me.)
I am fighting with everyone even though I am certain that I am not the one picking fights.
Turns out that it works like this:
Person A makes random comment. Random comment hurts my feelings or feels like an attack. I respond in kind to person A or take a defensive posture. Person A proceeds to get nasty with me. I push it one step further because my rage is too close to the surface, and I am unwilling to back down.
Growl.
See, the real problem is that my skin is a little thin right now, and I am really angry and in physical pain pretty much all of the time. I am spending energy in droves just to be able to get out of bed, deal with today's list of objectives, and speak to people like a sane human being. I am spending lots of energy trying to get myself out of this massive hole, and I am really angry with myself for getting me into this hole in the first damn place. I am becoming anhedonic, which is a massive danger sign for me. If anyone catches me doing physically destructive things, or repetitive motions, or both... it might be time to call a professional. (The last time I did that was years ago, when I systematically destroyed a beeswax candle with my fingernails. That was also the last time that I did something really scary with my psyche. I will tell that story another time, if anyone cares to hear it.)
Add to this the reappearance of the old games, the familiar dances, and the broken family interactions that I have worked so hard to overcome. Suddenly I am too tired to watch my step and prevent myself from taking this attitude of "you have hurt me, and you know me well enough to KNOW that what you did hurts me, so you have done it on purpose and so I am entitled to defend myself by lashing out."
Here's a good example:
Female person close to my heart who is only trying to help and joke with me: "Someone wants you to take costume pieces that you have no room for and aren't going to use right away? There's a word, I want to introduce it into your vocabulary. It's called 'NO' and you use it when someone offers you something you can't take."
Me:(to myself.) Oh Hell No. I know she isn't pulling this stunt with me. "Really? Yeah, I am familiar with the word NO. I use it all the time. And I really don't have to take a lesson in turning people down from someone who puts up with sexual harassment from her coworkers because she admits that she has a massive problem telling men 'No'."
Look at that cheap shot on my part. And of course, the person in question is shocked and appalled by what I had to say, and takes it personally, and starts the screaming match. I manage to deftly deflect the argument to irrelevant topics and start a real verbal fight.
I could have stepped out.
She could have stepped out.
Instead, we dance.
Gaaahhh.
And both of us are left with the feeling that the other one started it.
And I see myself do it, and the sane part of me wails in despair because what I am doing is wrong... and I am REALLY good at it. And I am failing at everything else, but this behavior is easy and kind of rewarding in a sick way.
I have worked hard to be strong. I have worked hard to escape my destiny, having been raised by my parents in their ugly patterns. But the bottom line is, when I don't have enough left for me, I sure as hell don't have enough left for me and you. And I really don't have enough left for just you.
And I am forced to realize that for all my work and all my growth... I still haven't been doing it right, because if I had, there wouldn't be this massive uncomfortable switch from over functioning to under functioning. My loved ones are struggling to catch up. I am no longer mending fences, mediating other people's issues, anticipating needs with regards to the children, putting out brush fires, or providing anyone with solace and comfort.
It's all I can do to keep on top of the assignments I have given myself. And let's face it, the Grant Proposals, 5 year business plan, and Goblin Ball aren't going to get done if I don't do the work to make them happen.
I am a shitty boss, and I am working for myself at my least competent.
And Brad thinks he has problems. I should make him a deal; I'll get the blessed temple going, if he writes up my 5 year business plan. And then we can go buy a school together and parcel out the land to both projects.
Now is the time to make soothing noises, and offerings to the angry goddess.
Do not tell me what to do or how to do it. That's going to insult me.
Fear me, admire me, support me.
Love me, especially because right now I am particularly unlovable.
Come get some.
I have become Dark TKO. I have devolved into the Bitch. I was snarling at my family over penny poker last night. Behold the terrible efficiency of my awesome dark powers.
My coping skills are degenerating. I am in chapter 13, so I can't have any kind of "debt." so... if I am short on bills or even the monthly Ch13 payment, I borrow from friends and family.
I'm in too deep. And since I make about 40% less at the Condo than I did at the last job, I am sliding further and further into debt with my friends and family.
This is humiliating and demoralizing.
Plus, since I can't afford to go back to my Chiropractor, and I am sitting for a living again in a really crappy desk chair, I am back to being in constant lower back pain. The kind where getting up or sitting down is excruciating. The kind where my SO touches me casually on my "hotspot" and I whimper softly, and without thinking about it.
I am seeing self-sabotaging behaviors (and so are those closest to me.)
I am fighting with everyone even though I am certain that I am not the one picking fights.
Turns out that it works like this:
Person A makes random comment. Random comment hurts my feelings or feels like an attack. I respond in kind to person A or take a defensive posture. Person A proceeds to get nasty with me. I push it one step further because my rage is too close to the surface, and I am unwilling to back down.
Growl.
See, the real problem is that my skin is a little thin right now, and I am really angry and in physical pain pretty much all of the time. I am spending energy in droves just to be able to get out of bed, deal with today's list of objectives, and speak to people like a sane human being. I am spending lots of energy trying to get myself out of this massive hole, and I am really angry with myself for getting me into this hole in the first damn place. I am becoming anhedonic, which is a massive danger sign for me. If anyone catches me doing physically destructive things, or repetitive motions, or both... it might be time to call a professional. (The last time I did that was years ago, when I systematically destroyed a beeswax candle with my fingernails. That was also the last time that I did something really scary with my psyche. I will tell that story another time, if anyone cares to hear it.)
Add to this the reappearance of the old games, the familiar dances, and the broken family interactions that I have worked so hard to overcome. Suddenly I am too tired to watch my step and prevent myself from taking this attitude of "you have hurt me, and you know me well enough to KNOW that what you did hurts me, so you have done it on purpose and so I am entitled to defend myself by lashing out."
Here's a good example:
Female person close to my heart who is only trying to help and joke with me: "Someone wants you to take costume pieces that you have no room for and aren't going to use right away? There's a word, I want to introduce it into your vocabulary. It's called 'NO' and you use it when someone offers you something you can't take."
Me:(to myself.) Oh Hell No. I know she isn't pulling this stunt with me. "Really? Yeah, I am familiar with the word NO. I use it all the time. And I really don't have to take a lesson in turning people down from someone who puts up with sexual harassment from her coworkers because she admits that she has a massive problem telling men 'No'."
Look at that cheap shot on my part. And of course, the person in question is shocked and appalled by what I had to say, and takes it personally, and starts the screaming match. I manage to deftly deflect the argument to irrelevant topics and start a real verbal fight.
I could have stepped out.
She could have stepped out.
Instead, we dance.
Gaaahhh.
And both of us are left with the feeling that the other one started it.
And I see myself do it, and the sane part of me wails in despair because what I am doing is wrong... and I am REALLY good at it. And I am failing at everything else, but this behavior is easy and kind of rewarding in a sick way.
I have worked hard to be strong. I have worked hard to escape my destiny, having been raised by my parents in their ugly patterns. But the bottom line is, when I don't have enough left for me, I sure as hell don't have enough left for me and you. And I really don't have enough left for just you.
And I am forced to realize that for all my work and all my growth... I still haven't been doing it right, because if I had, there wouldn't be this massive uncomfortable switch from over functioning to under functioning. My loved ones are struggling to catch up. I am no longer mending fences, mediating other people's issues, anticipating needs with regards to the children, putting out brush fires, or providing anyone with solace and comfort.
It's all I can do to keep on top of the assignments I have given myself. And let's face it, the Grant Proposals, 5 year business plan, and Goblin Ball aren't going to get done if I don't do the work to make them happen.
I am a shitty boss, and I am working for myself at my least competent.
And Brad thinks he has problems. I should make him a deal; I'll get the blessed temple going, if he writes up my 5 year business plan. And then we can go buy a school together and parcel out the land to both projects.
Now is the time to make soothing noises, and offerings to the angry goddess.
Do not tell me what to do or how to do it. That's going to insult me.
Fear me, admire me, support me.
Love me, especially because right now I am particularly unlovable.
