Shame.

Many of you think me fearless and shameless.

It's not true; it's just that people rarely get to see me encounter things that scare me or make me feel ashamed.

After all, I'm very sex-positive. I refuse to feel guilt or shame about things that I have no control over, for the most part. I find it hard to become frightened by things that are abstract. It is difficult to threaten me with pain or death.

But there are things that trigger my fears and my sense of shame.

I'm perfectly willing to discuss my sex life with strangers, assuming that they are interested in the information. I'm not ashamed of who I am or what I do with other consenting adults.

It's money that makes me feel dirty and ashamed.
It's financial issues that cause my blood pressure to skyrocket.
It's money that is the root of all evil, and money is a sure trigger for my anxiety issues.

Can I just say that I hate money and be done with it? I hate having to figure out "the money stuff" because I consistently fail at it. I'm bad enough at math that I've screwed things up with regard to my financial situation plenty of times.

I've just had several financial crises, one right after the other. Here's the dangerous part; I can't seem to bring myself to do anything about them until it's too late or nearly too late.



So I hope that as my friends you understand that this is incredibly difficult to share, and I am using this format only because to retype this or to send it out in an email... yeah, no.
( Click here for my woes. )