Silence.

He was the very best.
Somewhere in my archives is the story of his birth.
I saw him born, I cared for him in his infancy. He used to climb my legs with his needle-sharp kitten claws and would usually get nearly to my waist before I could stop him... and would do so while I was dressed to shower.
He used to climb into my lap while I sat on the potty and would hang around in my underwear like it was a hammock. And chew on the band of them.
Cherry-picked for the_geoffrey as the pick of the litter, he got an interesting education at my mother's house before he went to his home at the Celestial house. He learned what a dog was from my mother's sweet tempered, cat loving dog Lady. He learned that Dogs Are Evil from his mother, pictured in my icon.

As a grown cat he was... large. Long of tooth, long of leg, long of body, he could unroll himself to conquer a whole couch. Mellow in temperament (a nice counter-point to the aptly named Wiggins) he could convey such cat-zen when he was lolling about on his favorite carpet.

He was beautiful. Gorgeous as a kitten and stunning as an adult. Clearly at least 50% Maine Coon.

the_geoffrey announced just now that he has entered the heaviside layer.
No reason or explanation. He was about 6 years old. His Birthday would have been October 30th.

I have no way to tell his mother that he has died. She's right here and knows that I am very sad, but does not understand why and it breaks my heart that I have no way of communicating to my dear one that her baby has gone.

Farewell, Byron/Gandalf.
You will be missed by everyone.

And I wonder now if the visit I had on my birthday was a harbinger instead.

In other news...

We were graced with an appearance of a Certain Badger Lord, arkhamrefugee.

Unfortunately, he breezed through STL so quickly that most of the folks here who wanted to see him missed their opportunity.

His copilot, Danny, is a sweetheart and an awesome guy.

*sigh* at least we got to feed them some Gokul before they left. Yay for yummy Indian food!

Dammit! You guys shoulda stayed another day!!

Ghosts and shadows

We, as humans, have spent millennia trying to reconcile ourselves to our dearly departed. We tell each other that the deceased has gone on to a better place, we practice all kinds of wild variations of Ancestor Worship, we see patterns in our daily lives that link us to the past and our loved ones who are not among us.

I am not often visited by ghosts, at least not in the way that most people describe a ghostly encounter. Animals do not bring me messages from the dead. I have no family shrine, and I don't light candles for people who have passed on. As far as what I believe happens after we die... well, it's mostly abstract.

However, I have turned to those who have passed for information, or help, or guidance.
I can believe two contradictory things simultaneously, so here's an example:

I was in a place that I consider sacred. I was alone, and prepared for a moment of stillness. I was overwhelmed with a desire to go to my Grandma Nonnie to ask her advice. I suddenly felt the crushing weight of her absence, and a wave of stale grief. So I breathed deep, sat still and called to her. She answered me, but I didn't see a ghostly apparition. I didn't hear her voice or smell her scent or feel her presence... quite. But I sensed a response. She was proud of me. She reminded me to follow common sense and a path filled with choices based on love, whenever I get stuck.

Now. Here is what I also believe was going on at that very moment:
I settled down to think about what was bothering me by going somewhere with little distraction and no one making demands on my time. I mentally prepared myself for a few moments of meditation. My mind settled down and found some stillness. I miss Nonnie. Yes, I do. She's been gone now for almost 14 years, yet my memory of her is still clear and strong. She lived a life filled with chaos, crushing poverty, alcoholism, grief and death... yet she never lost her optimism. She used to advise my mother and when mom would feel overwhelmed Nonnie would just grin at her and say, "Isn't it *EXCITING*?" We only really leave behind the memories we create for other people. I missed my grandma, I thought about her and who she was and what she represents to me. I reconstructed her the best I could by distilling the parts of my own personality that matched my perception of her. I asked that part of me what I ought to do, and it advised me as though it were she.

This makes the experience no less magical. The other coincidences that weekend helped reinforce that magic. Was Nonnie speaking to me from beyond the grave?
Well... yes and no.
It *felt* as though she was, which is the true measure of these things, don't you think?

On my birthday, the day started out pretty miserably. I not only had to work the last day of a trade-show booth on a concrete floor, but I had to be there extra early to learn a brand new machine we're going to carry... plus break down the booth which I got to do functionally by myself.
I had a terrible lunch, and way too late in the day as well.
I was a grumpy kitty.

I went home, prepared for the party, chose to dress as a monster rather than anything flattering or beautiful because I felt cranky and waspish. We went to my mom's house and I unloaded things. Mom gave me a present which was nice but not spectacular (she'd already given me a wonderful gift last month) and I was working at full speed, open throttle just to get my mood to neutral. This was not going to work if I was about to host my birthday party.
I went back out to the car (don't remember why) and a cat called out to me. I had seen this cat flicker between the neighbor's bushes when I pulled up in the first place, and it came up to me while I was standing dumbfounded at my truck in the driveway. I talked to it a little bit, petted it behind the ear and was just enchanted with the whole experience. Animals adore me, lions let me pet their heads, tigers let me carry them around, birds land on my shoulders, I can tame wild beasts. It never ceases to amaze and delight me. This particular little catlet was white with patches. The patches were silver tabby, and this is one of my favorite moogie types. It nearly followed me into mom's house.
I told mom that there was a kitty that wanted in, and she (as bemused as I was) said, "Oh, sure, let it in," with no trace of sarcasm or anything.
I opened the door and it was standing in the garage. I walked right in the door, sniffed around, checked out the litterbox and then alienzen became the voice of reason. (There are three cats that live in that house already...) He insisted that we return the cat to the outdoors and shoo it out of the garage. He picked it up and took it outside, chased it out of the garage and closed the door.

I figured that was the end of it.

Sunday afternoon, we were all lolling about in the family room at Mom's house, still groggy from the party and watching movies. Someone said, "Hey, your friend is back" or something similar.
That same patchwork kitty was standing on the back deck. I went out to visit with it, and of course we had the hissy fit through the screen door when Nicky (mom's attitude laden cat) discovered that there was a strange cat out there. I sat on the deck and petted the kitty who mewed at me and eventually sauntered off. I went to get some food to share with it but it left before I could feed it.

One of my friends insists that this was a visit from one of my dearly departed.

Possible, but not the way I read it.
Animals bring me messages, too. Not as representatives of the afterlife, just as creatures with a different set of perceptions than I do. I wasn't sure what the message was, but I had this bizarre wish that this cat was one of my presents. I have no idea where I would keep it, but I wanted to add that cat to my life.

And then last night I found out that Gandalf the Grey (cat) had passed... huh.
Did we miss the Jellicle Ball? Had this creature come to me to tell me that I was invited? Was this a message that my circle of loved ones would be short one cat soon? Is it all a random coincidence? Did the kitty just like the dangly bits on my costume, or did I remind it of it's person who it had become separated from?
Can all these things be true at the same time?