Pop songs and ugly realizations.
Jun. 1st, 2004 01:36 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kukla_tkoLong and cranky. The weekend went well, all things considered.
Than why am I a complete wreck?
Ugh. I knew there was a reason why I have latched on to this crazy song. I couldn't make out many of the words... but I found the lyrics on line. Have a look, it's the Seether song from The Punisher Soundtrack.
BROKEN
I wanted you to know
that i love the way you laugh
i wanna hold you high and
steal your pain away
I keep your photograph
And I know it
serves me well
i wanna hold you high
and steal your pain
Because im broken
when i am lonesome
and i dont feel right
when you go away
You've gone away
u dont feel me here...anymore
The worst is over now
and we can breathe again
I wanna hold you high
and steal my pain
away
Theres so much left to learn
and no one left to fight
i wanna hold you high
and steal your pain
Because im broken
when i am open
and i dont feel like
i am strong enough
Because i am broken
when i am lonesome
and i dont feel right
when you go away
Because im broken
when i am open
and i dont feel right
now i am strong enough
Because i am broken
when i am lonesome
and i dont feel right
when you go away
Because i am broken
when i am lonesome
and i dont feel right
when you go away
U go away
u dont feel me...anymore
___________
I feel broken. Over the weekend Allura asked me if I can tell the difference between "want" and "Need."
I wrote the book on the subject... but when my coping mechanisms break down... I triage HARSHLY.
When I am pushing too hard for too long without a break or a release of any kind... I start shoving everything into a hole, to dig up later. The first thing down that hole is my emotional wants. Second, is the emotional needs. (See, I can tell the difference, but it doesn't matter when I am suppressing both.) Then I shove everything else down that hole until there's nothing left in the way of my obligations. My frustration, my anger, my irritation; when they show up, I shove them down the hole, too. Sometimes it isn't fast enough to keep from snarling at someone, but I am better at this than I should be. Shove it down, deal with it later, shove in some more, I will deal with it later, tamp it down hard, sit on it, and get this DONE. Fear? Get your @ss in the hole. Lust? You're in the way, get in the damm HOLE. Creative energy, I need you for this event. Get in the damn corral, put on your saddle, bob your tail and be ready when I need you. Now.
Triage. If I need it to get through whatever's coming, I leave it out. If I don't need it for this, it gets shoved.
Now, I would like to think that I am an enlightened being. I do my flat level best to get a good handle on my wants, needs, and wishes... and to express them appropriately. I am working against early programming to do so. I am trying to be ME, and not Mom... not Papa. But I gotta tell you, I wear their masks when I have nothing left of ME to work from.
Papa is a MASTER of silent repression. A Master. And I lived with him for over 20 years... Mom is a master manipulator, and a screamer, and a guilt maven when you work her up enough, and I lived with her for over 20 years, too. Mom is mask I am wearing when I scream "This HOUSE will be CLEANED RIGHT NOW, and BY GOD, you people are going to HELP ME CLEAN IT." Papa is the one who assesses quickly, acknowledges that things were done competently, and is already compensating for anything that was incompetently done.
Trust doesn't live there.
Trust didn't live in my house much. Oh, my parents trusted ME, but not each other. It was an oddly uneven childhood.
It is hard to let go of responsibilities. In a perfect world, I would have packed everything for the whole camp, with the exception of personal clothing for my SO and Allura. I would have packed the Kitchen, the Tents and Shelters, all the costumes and props, all the camping accessories, both EZ-Up tents (because, of course, I would have repaired mom's canopy), and put together minibinders of the scripts for the ritual. I would have packed for rain, shine, and cold nights. I would have sat down with![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
bradhicks and gone over all the tubs and what was in them, so that he had access to the equipment that he needed to make a good camp. I would have done all the legwork and planning for the feast and the booze, in addition to writing the ritual and costuming everyone.
I would have been talking to the Leader of the Kitchen immediately and finding out from her about the numbers that the Cauldron Cafe was serving the previous several nights, and getting that info to my SO. I would have already had a plan for the till at the door, and I would have included a vegetarian alternative for the feast.
And yet, I let many of these duties go. I knew better than to think that I could get all of this done, and I knew that I was surrounded by intelligent, competent people with creative energies of their own. I trusted other people to accomplish our many goals. I trustedbradhicks to be the host of the party, and gracious about it. I trusted him to set up a good camp and trusted him, not only with the truck but with all our gear. I am proud. I didn't freak out, I allowed him to work. But he didn't follow my instructions, and was incapable of setting up the tents so that they would stay dry. I sent him without the right tools, because I didn't proofread my SO's work. We ended up leaving behind random things, because my SO didn't pack them. We ended up short on meat during the feast. We had a massive clusterfuck instead of a well-oiled machine running the feast.
Success? Oh, sure. You should see my FAILURES.
Director's Anxiety: When you know that even if you did everything right, and did your job well, things beyond your control will go horribly wrong, and you not only get to be blamed for them... you also will have to work your @ss off to fix the damage when everything explodes.
A Director always gets the blame for things that go wrong, and never gets the praise when things go right. I am a Director. For everything I encounter.
Is it too much to expect some vocal appreciation? Some encouragement, or support?
I am a goddess who requires her followers to EXPRESS their belief. If you belive in me, in what I am doing, or in my sheer fortitude in the face of every conceivable obsticle... then... would it kill you to say so?
My SO remembered, finally, at the last minute, that the one thing I NEED TO HEAR when it all comes apart and I am lost in my own head is that you BELIEVE that I can do it. I could have used that earlier, and more often.
Because all I have gotten from my SO and Allura was that they think I am completely insane for doing this, and that I dragged their sorry @sses into it reluctantly. I toldbradhicks that I never ask anyone to sacrifice any more dignity than I do. And I never expect anyone to work harder than I do, either. I would never ask someone else to do something that I myself won't do.
So, I am sorry if I held all three of them to unreasonable expectations. I am sorry that I made my SO and Allura follow me into this crazed amusement park ride. I am sorry that I tried to take on too much, and I am especially sorry for pushing the both of them too hard. I only gave up the things that I thought they might actually like doing, or would want control of.
But I am a wreck, and we still have this weekend to get through, and then kids to deal with next weekend, plus the Auction and the 42nd birthday party of a dear friend... on the same night.
My friend (you know, my playmate that I lost because I was too much fun?) made a wonderful analogy. I am putting the abridged version here.
"Here's the deal, hon, you're idling too high. You've been reving the engine too long and it is beyond its regular maintenance period and so it is continuing to run high and hot, in order to keep things from seizing up.
You need to come down and stay down for a little bit. (Trust me, been there!) You've gotten into the mode where you are working frenetically at break-neck speed and being phenomenally efficient, but that doesn't allow your body/self to engage the quieter modes.
Can't shift gears so fast. Wind it down. "
Than why am I a complete wreck?
Ugh. I knew there was a reason why I have latched on to this crazy song. I couldn't make out many of the words... but I found the lyrics on line. Have a look, it's the Seether song from The Punisher Soundtrack.
BROKEN
I wanted you to know
that i love the way you laugh
i wanna hold you high and
steal your pain away
I keep your photograph
And I know it
serves me well
i wanna hold you high
and steal your pain
Because im broken
when i am lonesome
and i dont feel right
when you go away
You've gone away
u dont feel me here...anymore
The worst is over now
and we can breathe again
I wanna hold you high
and steal my pain
away
Theres so much left to learn
and no one left to fight
i wanna hold you high
and steal your pain
Because im broken
when i am open
and i dont feel like
i am strong enough
Because i am broken
when i am lonesome
and i dont feel right
when you go away
Because im broken
when i am open
and i dont feel right
now i am strong enough
Because i am broken
when i am lonesome
and i dont feel right
when you go away
Because i am broken
when i am lonesome
and i dont feel right
when you go away
U go away
u dont feel me...anymore
___________
I feel broken. Over the weekend Allura asked me if I can tell the difference between "want" and "Need."
I wrote the book on the subject... but when my coping mechanisms break down... I triage HARSHLY.
When I am pushing too hard for too long without a break or a release of any kind... I start shoving everything into a hole, to dig up later. The first thing down that hole is my emotional wants. Second, is the emotional needs. (See, I can tell the difference, but it doesn't matter when I am suppressing both.) Then I shove everything else down that hole until there's nothing left in the way of my obligations. My frustration, my anger, my irritation; when they show up, I shove them down the hole, too. Sometimes it isn't fast enough to keep from snarling at someone, but I am better at this than I should be. Shove it down, deal with it later, shove in some more, I will deal with it later, tamp it down hard, sit on it, and get this DONE. Fear? Get your @ss in the hole. Lust? You're in the way, get in the damm HOLE. Creative energy, I need you for this event. Get in the damn corral, put on your saddle, bob your tail and be ready when I need you. Now.
Triage. If I need it to get through whatever's coming, I leave it out. If I don't need it for this, it gets shoved.
Now, I would like to think that I am an enlightened being. I do my flat level best to get a good handle on my wants, needs, and wishes... and to express them appropriately. I am working against early programming to do so. I am trying to be ME, and not Mom... not Papa. But I gotta tell you, I wear their masks when I have nothing left of ME to work from.
Papa is a MASTER of silent repression. A Master. And I lived with him for over 20 years... Mom is a master manipulator, and a screamer, and a guilt maven when you work her up enough, and I lived with her for over 20 years, too. Mom is mask I am wearing when I scream "This HOUSE will be CLEANED RIGHT NOW, and BY GOD, you people are going to HELP ME CLEAN IT." Papa is the one who assesses quickly, acknowledges that things were done competently, and is already compensating for anything that was incompetently done.
Trust doesn't live there.
Trust didn't live in my house much. Oh, my parents trusted ME, but not each other. It was an oddly uneven childhood.
It is hard to let go of responsibilities. In a perfect world, I would have packed everything for the whole camp, with the exception of personal clothing for my SO and Allura. I would have packed the Kitchen, the Tents and Shelters, all the costumes and props, all the camping accessories, both EZ-Up tents (because, of course, I would have repaired mom's canopy), and put together minibinders of the scripts for the ritual. I would have packed for rain, shine, and cold nights. I would have sat down with
bradhicks and gone over all the tubs and what was in them, so that he had access to the equipment that he needed to make a good camp. I would have done all the legwork and planning for the feast and the booze, in addition to writing the ritual and costuming everyone.I would have been talking to the Leader of the Kitchen immediately and finding out from her about the numbers that the Cauldron Cafe was serving the previous several nights, and getting that info to my SO. I would have already had a plan for the till at the door, and I would have included a vegetarian alternative for the feast.
And yet, I let many of these duties go. I knew better than to think that I could get all of this done, and I knew that I was surrounded by intelligent, competent people with creative energies of their own. I trusted other people to accomplish our many goals. I trusted
bradhicks to be the host of the party, and gracious about it. I trusted him to set up a good camp and trusted him, not only with the truck but with all our gear. I am proud. I didn't freak out, I allowed him to work. But he didn't follow my instructions, and was incapable of setting up the tents so that they would stay dry. I sent him without the right tools, because I didn't proofread my SO's work. We ended up leaving behind random things, because my SO didn't pack them. We ended up short on meat during the feast. We had a massive clusterfuck instead of a well-oiled machine running the feast.Success? Oh, sure. You should see my FAILURES.
Director's Anxiety: When you know that even if you did everything right, and did your job well, things beyond your control will go horribly wrong, and you not only get to be blamed for them... you also will have to work your @ss off to fix the damage when everything explodes.
A Director always gets the blame for things that go wrong, and never gets the praise when things go right. I am a Director. For everything I encounter.
Is it too much to expect some vocal appreciation? Some encouragement, or support?
I am a goddess who requires her followers to EXPRESS their belief. If you belive in me, in what I am doing, or in my sheer fortitude in the face of every conceivable obsticle... then... would it kill you to say so?
My SO remembered, finally, at the last minute, that the one thing I NEED TO HEAR when it all comes apart and I am lost in my own head is that you BELIEVE that I can do it. I could have used that earlier, and more often.
Because all I have gotten from my SO and Allura was that they think I am completely insane for doing this, and that I dragged their sorry @sses into it reluctantly. I told
bradhicks that I never ask anyone to sacrifice any more dignity than I do. And I never expect anyone to work harder than I do, either. I would never ask someone else to do something that I myself won't do. So, I am sorry if I held all three of them to unreasonable expectations. I am sorry that I made my SO and Allura follow me into this crazed amusement park ride. I am sorry that I tried to take on too much, and I am especially sorry for pushing the both of them too hard. I only gave up the things that I thought they might actually like doing, or would want control of.
But I am a wreck, and we still have this weekend to get through, and then kids to deal with next weekend, plus the Auction and the 42nd birthday party of a dear friend... on the same night.
My friend (you know, my playmate that I lost because I was too much fun?) made a wonderful analogy. I am putting the abridged version here.
"Here's the deal, hon, you're idling too high. You've been reving the engine too long and it is beyond its regular maintenance period and so it is continuing to run high and hot, in order to keep things from seizing up.
You need to come down and stay down for a little bit. (Trust me, been there!) You've gotten into the mode where you are working frenetically at break-neck speed and being phenomenally efficient, but that doesn't allow your body/self to engage the quieter modes.
Can't shift gears so fast. Wind it down. "
